


I live alone in a paradise (that makes me think of two)

by Ros_ora_sal



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demons, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Ghosts, M/M, Mutual Pining, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-08-09 02:53:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16441598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ros_ora_sal/pseuds/Ros_ora_sal
Summary: Ryan and Shane get stuck in a haunted house together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> another bfu fic :/ sorry Ryan and Shane
> 
> this has been in my works for so long, I started writing it in June and now it's six months later and I just cannot look at it anymore so here have at it haha
> 
> hope you enjoy!
> 
> also english isn't my first language so please bear with me!! 
> 
> title is from Old Man by Neil Young

The first thing Ryan noticed as he woke up was how different the air smelled. It wasn’t the usual scent of coffee and his roommate’s coconut shampoo that seemed to linger in every room of the apartment. The air felt thick with dust, and he immediately knew that taking a deep breath would leave him coughing for a few seconds. He slowly opened his eyes. The chamber was as he had seen it the night before, calm, quiet, and empty, save for the gigantic bed he was in. No demon staring at him from the corner of the room, or looming over him at the foot of the bed. 

Despite how terrified he had been during the shooting the day before, it seemed he would live to see another day.

He closed his eyes again and sighed in relief, shifting in the bed, turning on his other side. His eyes fell on Shane, and he felt something stir in his stomach.

The taller man was still sleeping, lying on his belly but head turned towards Ryan’s side, brow slightly furrowed from unpleasant dreams but looking so goddamn soft it made Ryan angry for a second. But his anger quickly turned into endearment. He sighed again, out of desperation this time. Ryan wished he could put a locker on his heart sometimes. Forbid it to start beating too fast whenever Shane was around. Life would be so much easier.

One of Shane’s hand was poking out from under the covers, fingers slightly curled in on themselves, and Ryan entertained the thought of grabbing them, feel the warmth of his friend, feel his pulse beating on his wrist under his skin. But then he saw Shane’s hand twitch faintly and he quickly sat up and turned back around, as he didn’t want to be caught staring when Shane would emerge from his slumber. 

He got out of bed and crouched next to his travel bag. He was almost out of clean clothes, but _thank fucking god_ they were going back home today.

« What time is it? »

Ryan flinched at Shane’s voice. He turned around and Shane was looking at him through bleary eyes, sitting up on his elbows. His pillow had left a red mark on his cheek. Ryan swallowed a chuckle and looked at his wristwatch.

« A little after eight. Guess we overslept. »

Shane hummed a little and collapsed back down on the mattress. « We should get going, right? » He mumbled against the covers.

Ryan peered through the window. « It’s okay, you can get back to sleep for a little while. TJ hasn’t arrived to pick us up yet. »

Shane immediately fell silent and Ryan heard his breathing even out within seconds.

When Ryan was done getting dressed, he packed his stuff and sat on the floor, next to his bag. TJ would be arriving soon, but he was afraid to wander in the house alone, even when the sun was shining outside and when he knew his friend was asleep upstairs. After all, he had felt quite rattled last night.

The Vendange house had been on their minds for a long time. Shane had been the first one to hear about it, and when Ryan had began researching it, it had been clear to him that they would have a good run for their money there. As it was a demon house and Ryan was unyielding when it came to demons, they had had to wait a long time before coming here. His rule about filming in only one demon place per season was useful when he was feeling particularly freaked out by a location and wanted to postpone the shoot until he ran out of excuses. Or until he had heard the name of the place so many times during meetings it had began to lose its intimidating aura.

The house was beautiful, huge, and due to its old age it had been kept in good shape by the local municipality, despite being abandoned for decades. It sat on the outskirts of the nearby town, near houses equally as big and beautiful, but the Vendange house had kept its mystical vibe. Nobody could walk down the street and not feel immediately drawn to it. At least that’s how Ryan had felt when he had first seen it.

However, the shooting had been quite disappointing. They hadn’t caught anything particularly interesting on footage and after a week of traveling, the whole filming crew, including him and Shane, was feeling pretty worn out. Everybody had been eager to get it over with the previous night, and Ryan knew it would show in the episode, even if the editors team had magic in their hands.

And also, he still didn’t feel at ease. The house had a really eery atmosphere where you were in it and sure, that was probably the case for every location they had been to, but this one was strange, because it wasn’t really imposing. The house was charming in a pleasant way, and if it hadn’t been for the anguish Ryan had felt since stepping inside, it could have been homely, cosy even. In every room, the floorboards were a warm, dark shade of brown, contrasting nicely with the white uneven walls, and the huge windows allowed light to fill any dark corner of the house.

Shane had immediately joked about moving in, a few minutes after they had started shooting. It didn’t help that the house was completely devoid of furniture, save for the enormous bed that sat upstairs and in which they would sleep that night.

« I can really project myself living in there, » Shane had said, mischief in his eyes, « this is a really, really nice place. Well done, Ryan. I love it. Where do I sign up? »

Ryan had retaliated in the same joking manner, but he already knew the night would be dreadful for him. Distress had dawned on him as soon as he had stepped inside the house, and it had grown increasingly throughout the night. He had felt hypersensitive, as if every little noise had been reverberated ten times louder inside his own head, and there had been an incessant ringing in his ears. He had had to take a break after only two hours of shooting, and as he sat down on the pavement in front of the house to calm himself down, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. That something was looming over him. Even Shane’s presence hadn’t been enough to soothe him, as it usually did.

The worst had been the basement. According to legend, it’s where the demon had its den, and where numerous people had found death since the house had been built. Ryan had felt faint and light-headed down there, and he had been hit with a strong wave of nausea as the darkness had enveloped them. Shane had laughed at him because of his sweaty brows and glassy eyes, but Ryan hadn’t missed the way his friend had also seemed disturbed by the place, despite his delight when first entering the house.

After that, there was a fog in Ryan’s mind. He recalled the filming crew leaving to let him and Shane settle for the night, recalled falling asleep in the bed next to him, but it was as if a cast had been spelt on him in the basement, as if the rest of the night had been but a distant dream, and he was struggling to truly _remember_. He hoped it was just his own exhaustion acting up, but he feared it wasn’t.

That is why in this moment, he was feeling restless and truly wanted nothing more than to flee this house and never look back. He was really looking forward to that moment he would get to say ‘fuck you, demon, see you never’ on camera and get out of here.

He grabbed his phone to check if TJ had messaged him but his phone had died earlier in the night. Ryan internally cursed himself as he remembered he had lost his charger in a hotel a few days ago and had forgot to buy a new one. He checked the time again and frowned. It wasn’t like TJ to leave them waiting for so long. He got up to look outside the window but the street outside was still empty. No sign of their friend. 

He walked to the bed and gently nudged Shane on the shoulder. « Shane. Hey, Shane. »

The taller man mumbled and opened one eye up at him. « What? Is TJ here already? »

Ryan felt his mouth go dry. Sleepy Shane had this weird effect on him which would leave him completely flustered. He felt his hands go clammy and he shook his head. « No man, that’s the problem. It’s almost nine, he should be here by now. »

Shane sat up and rubbed his eyes. Ryan stepped back and averted his gaze. « It’s okay, he must have overslept. » Shane looked outside the window. « Let’s just wait for him outside. It’s so sunny, today. »

« Sure, sounds good. » Ryan was more than happy to leave this godforsaken house.

Shane got up and put his stuff in his bag, not bothering to fold any of his clothes. He turned back and stared at Ryan, eyes narrowed.

« What are you looking at me for? Go on, I’ll join you downstairs. »

Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but he really didn’t feel like admitting to his best friend that the reason he was waiting for him was that he was way too spooked by the place to even consider walking out alone. Shane raised his eyebrows.

« Earth to Ryan? »

« It’s okay, I just— I can wait for you. It’s no trouble. »

Shane had a suspicious look on his face for a second, quickly replaced by a soft smile. « Okay, little guy. Whatever floats your boat. »

Ryan took a deep breath to steady his racing heart.

As they got downstairs, carrying all of their stuff, Shane grabbed the doorknob of the front door and tried to turn it. The door didn’t move.

« What the fu— Did you lock us in? » 

Ryan frowned. « What? No, I don’t even have the keys. »

Shane turned around and looked at him with wide eyes. « You’re telling me the door has been opened the whole night? For anybody to walk in while we were sleeping? » His voice sounded so high-pitched Ryan wanted to laugh for a second.

« No, I think it only opens from the inside when you don’t have the keys. Hold on, let me try. »

Shane stepped back and let Ryan try. The door didn’t budge.

Ryan felt panic rise in his chest. « No, no, wait, this isn’t supposed to— » 

He rattled the knob, trying to get the door to move.

« Hey, hey, hey, » Shane put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders to move him away from the door, « don’t break it. »

He leaned down through the lock. Ryan threw his hands in the air in frustration.

« Do you see anything? » 

« No. It doesn’t look broken or anything. But I also know nothing about what a broken lock is supposed to look like. »

Ryan sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. This just kept getting better and better. He felt a hand on his bicep. Shane was looking at him.

« Hey, it’s okay, TJ will be here in no time! He can go get the keys, it’s no big deal. » He said.

Ryan pursed his lips. He was worried about TJ, he should have been here hours ago. 

« Where is he?! » he snapped, « He’s never this late! I don’t want to stay here, we— Fuck, we have a plane to catch! »

It was all beginning to feel like a really, really bad joke. Ryan looked frantically around him, looking for keys, a crowbar, an answer, anything. The interior that had looked so welcoming the previous day was starting to feel pretty ominous. 

« Hey, hey! » Shane’s voice grounded him, and he looked up at his friend. « Look, there’s a back exit, right? Let’s go check that out. »

His hand fell from where he had kept firmly on Ryan’s arm, and the smaller man immediately missed the contact. He was feeling more upset by the minute, and physical contact had always been calming to him, especially when it came from Shane. He often craved it in these horrendous places, but he would rather die than admit it to his friend. He followed Shane across the house.

The back door was also locked. They both took turn in trying to forcefully open it, to no avail. The door looked frail, the wood was old and rotten in some places, but it was steady like it was made of steel. After a few tries at pushing it open, Ryan just stared at it, panting.

« What the fuck is wrong with this place?! » He exclaimed.

Shane had started to look pretty disturbed, and he was staring at the door, hand in his hair. 

« Fuck it. I’m texting TJ. »

They went back to where they had left their bags and Shane grabbed his phone. He tried to turn it on and he immediately groaned.

« Fuck, my phone died. Let me charge it, it shouldn’t take long. »

Ryan felt something icy wash over him. Shane looked up at him.

« You okay, man? You look pale, all of a sudden. »

Ryan pinched his eyes shut and took a deep breath. « Shane, there’s no electricity in here. »

The taller man stared at him, dumbfounded. « What? »

« The house has been abandoned for years. There’s no power here. »

« You’re kidding right? »

Ryan shook his head.

« Fuck. » Shane muttered. He squinted at his phone, pressed at all the buttons, but the screen frustratingly remained black. He looked back at Ryan and he had an annoyingly smug smile plastered on his face. Ryan had never seen him with such a inappropriate look on his face, and somehow this was what Shane was best at. 

« Hey, you know what? We should film this. »

Ryan let out a nervous laugh. Seeing Shane so relaxed was actually soothing him. « Why? »

Shane shrugged. « I dunno. It’ll be a fun addition to the episode. We can say that the demon liked us so much he decided to keep us as roommates. » He got a camera out of its bag, settled it on its stand on the floor and turned it on.

Ryan immediately tensed at the mention of the demon. « That’s— we can just say we were locked in. »

Shane tilted his head. « You don’t think there’s a demon here? »

« That’s not what I— » Ryan cut himself off, as he heard a car approaching outside.

Shane ran to the nearest window and stared outside the window. « Oh, thank fucking god. »

Ryan immediately felt relieved. « Is that him? »

« I think so. »

Ryan let out a huge breath he didn’t know he had been holding. « Fuck yeah. Take that, demon. » He leaned down to grab his bags.

« Oh wait! » Shane said, holding out a hand. He remained silent for an excruciating second and then just sighed, dropping his head. « Sorry. It wasn’t him. »

Ryan bit his lips. Shit. This truly wasn’t like TJ. 

« What if something happened to him? »

Shane narrowed his eyes. « To TJ? »

« Yeah, I mean— It really isn’t like him at all to be this late. I just— I feel really weird about this. »

« Hey, no, don’t worry, he’ll be here. What time is it? »

Ryan looked at his watch. « Almost ten. » 

They both fell silent, staring at the other.

« What if, » Ryan whispered, « What if he never comes? » He immediately felt ridiculous for even suggesting it. 

Shane raised his eyebrows and let out a chuckle. « And what? We’ll be stuck here? » He shook his head and stilled. « Wow, this is exactly like in the English Patient. »

« Don’t laugh. »

« I didn’t even get to make out with Ralph Fiennes beforehand. This is a disgrace. Not worth it at all. » Shane said, ignoring Ryan.

Ryan fell silent at the mention of Shane kissing a man. He averted his eyes, looked at his feet. « I haven’t seen the movie. » He breathed out in a small voice.

He saw Shane glance at him from the corner of his eye. « Oh, » said the taller man.

Silence settled around them and Ryan looked at the time. Seven past ten. Their plane was in three hours. They could still make it. He tried to steady his trembling hands and sat on the floor. He flinched when he saw Shane staring at him. His friend let out a small laugh.

« What’s up with you, today? You’re so jumpy. »

Ryan bit his lower lip again. « I hate this place and I hate that we haven’t left it yet. Seriously, where’s TJ?! »

« Don’t worry, he’ll be here. » Shane sat down next to Ryan and started fiddling with his fingers. « I don’t get it. I haven’t seen you this scared since… The Sorrel-Weed mansion, maybe? And you thought you saw a ghost when we were there. Absolutely nothing happened last night. »

Ryan grimaced. It’s true that whatever he had been feeling since last night wasn’t really justified. Except for his growing distress, the night had been pretty uneventful. He wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. He usually trusted his gut, and right now it was telling him to get the fuck out of this place.

« You’re probably going to laugh at me again, but… I don’t know, I have a really bad feeling about this place. And now I just quoted Star Wars and I probably look even more stupid. »

Shane laughed softly. His eyes crinkled in that lovely way Ryan liked so much and he found himself unable to look away.

Shane cleared his throat. « I don’t know what gives you this impression. I absolutely love it here, it’s really nice. »

Ryan nodded slightly. « Yeah, I know, it’s… It’s a beautiful house. I don’t get it either. »

Shane stared at him thoughtfully and Ryan felt himself waver under his gaze. « What? »

Shane smirked. « Nothing. I just remembered that I have a pack of oreos in my bag and I’m really starving. »

Ryan couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his face. « If you don’t share, I’m going to get very mad. »

For a moment, it was as if the weird situation that was unfurling around them didn’t matter. Like it often happened with them, they were so swept up in each other’s company that it made them forget what had them worried in the first place. His complete change of mood almost scared Ryan. The influence Shane had on him was alarming. 

As they sat on the floor, munching their oreos, Ryan felt stuck on an endless loop. The questions pressing up in his mind were threatening to bring him on the verge of insanity in the very close future if he didn’t do something about it.

« Honestly Shane, I’m worried. Something must have happened to him. »

Shane grimaced, looking thoughtful. « Yeah, it’s fucking weird. I wish my I could use my phone. »

Ryan pursed his lips, looking down at his hands. They were shaking lightly. 

« I… I really feel like we’re not gonna make it. »

Shane looked up at him, eyes wide, then frowned, cocking his head to the side. « What do you mean? »

Ryan averted his gaze. « I just— It’s a long drive to the airport, and TJ isn’t here, and— I don’t know, it might just be me trying to cope with the stress, I guess. Bracing myself for the worst. »

Something passed on Shane’s face. It was over in a minute, but it didn’t make Ryan feel any better. Shane held a hand up towards Ryan, as if he wanted to touch him but seemed to think better of it and retrieved it, letting it fall in his lap.

« I don’t— it’s okay, Ryan. We still got plenty of time, don’t worry. »

Ryan shook his head. « But what if we don’t, what if we miss the plane, what if— I mean, we need to think about what we’re going to do then! »

Shane stared at him for a few seconds, expression unreadable, seemingly hesitating. He shook his head and Ryan wanted to scream at him when a chuckle came out of his mouth. « Man, I’m so glad we’re filming this. We’ll get to see two of your infamous breakdowns this episode! »

Ryan tried to laugh but he felt something turn sour in his mouth. « At least someone’s happy. »

« Someone’s got to be. »

Ryan fell silent. He really didn’t have anything to say to that. 

Sometimes he hated that Shane seemed to be on a never ending good mood, adopting a bright and cheery attitude almost by default, almost as if to spite Ryan. 

He was well aware of their many differences, of how if they were to exist on a spectrum, they would always be on opposing ends, forever taunting the other. That was why he hated Shane, sometimes, his nonchalance, his composure, his carelessness. But, unfortunately, he suspected it was also why he felt himself inevitably drawn to him. Why Shane often felt like his anchor to this world. 

There was no beginning to this attraction to Shane. It felt hazy, as if a veil had been put over Ryan’s heart and mind. He should have been able to dismiss it. He couldn’t. _Attraction_ wasn’t a word that even felt right, but using another one, a stronger one, felt scary.

There was no beginning, but Ryan really wished there would be an end.

Now, as Ryan gazed at his friend, absently taking in his surroundings with such a trusting and curious look on his face, Ryan felt ache in his chest. He craved for something that Shane possessed and Ryan desperately wanted to possess too.

Or maybe he just craved for Shane. 

The thought made him shudder. Because if that truly was the case, how could he ever get what he wanted?

He was brought out of his reverie when his friend caught him staring, a soft yet questioning look on his face. Shane opened his mouth to speak, and somehow, Ryan knew what he was going to ask. The smaller man shook his head, dismissing Shane’s concern. Everything was fine, or rather, everything would be, as long as they were together. Shane smiled, looking relieved.

The silence slowly became overbearing. Ryan felt jittery, his legs bouncing against the floorboards. He hated that there was nothing he could do, hated how helpless he felt. He wanted to do something, _anything_ to stop him from burying himself deeper in the whirlwind of feelings that was storming his mind.

Suddenly, Shane sprang up, and nearly jumped to the nearest window, trying to jam it open, grunting in effort.

« What are you doing? » Ryan asked, startled.

Shane tightened his grip on the window handle, face strained in effort. « Fuck, I’m not— I’m just trying to find ways to get out of here! »

« Let me guess, » Ryan said, already feeling hopeless, « it won’t open? »

Shane groaned in response and released his grip in a huff. « No. You wanna try? I think you’re stronger than me. »

Ryan got up and smiled up at Shane, slightly smirking. « You think? »

The taller man dismissed him with a wave of his hand. « Just do it. »

Ryan wrapped his hand around the handle. The metal felt warm against his skin, reminiscent of Shane’s hold of it.

Using all of his strength, he pressed on the handle. He felt completely ridiculous, struggling to open a window that looked so decrepit a single nudge should have done the job easily. It almost seemed like a bit, and he was half-heartedly expecting Shane to quip at him to stop messing around.

He pinched his eyes shut, focusing on the task at hand, until he felt dizzy from the effort and he felt sweat on his forehead. In a sigh, he opened his eyes and extricated his fingers from the handle. It had held so well in place it was almost ridiculous. 

Ryan gawked at it. He felt hot, his knuckles were white and his hands were beginning to shake from the strain. He let out a groan of frustration.

Behind him, he heard Shane shuffle around.

« Okay, okay, » the taller man said, sounding frantic, « Let’s use the tripod to break a window. » Ryan turned around and Shane was already picking it up.

« Are you crazy? That stuff’s expensive! Also I don’t think they’re going to be too pleased at City Hall if they discover we broke a window. »

Shane’s shoulders slumped in defeat. « Look, I just wanna get out of here. Please, let’s just try. »

Ryan bit his lip, glancing between the window and Shane, clutching at the camera stand. He silently nodded, accepting that this would be a problem for his future self. 

Shielding himself by standing beside the wall, Shane threw the tripod at the window, against which it bounced in a piercing metallic sound before falling on the floor. They both stared at it, dumbfounded, and turned their heads to the window. There wasn’t the smallest crack on it.

« What?! » Shane blurted out, incredulous.

Ryan approached the window, cautiously putting a hand up against it. The hit had been pretty hard, and maybe a simple touch of the hand would break it now, and Ryan wanted to be careful, not to hurt himself. However, if he was being honest with himself, he was really hoping the glass would shatter, wounding him in the process. He was ready to endure anything as long as it meant breaking free of this place.

But as he brushed the cold surface with the tips of his fingers, staining the glass, nothing happened. He frowned.

Shane came to stand beside him. « What is this? Is this reinforced glass? Somehow? »

Ryan shook his head. « Doesn’t look like it. »

« Then what the fuck? » Shane angrily picked the camera stand off the floor and shoved his friend out of the way with an arm against Ryan’s chest.

« Why. won’t. you, » Shane yelled, raising the tripod above his head, « break! » 

He started repeatedly hitting the window, before throwing the tripod in one last try, unfortunately ineffective, like all the other. It pathetically fell back down. Ryan could see it was damaged from the impact.

Shane immediately grabbed it again and stormed out of the room and into the hallway. Frozen in place, Ryan could hear him trying to smash every window in the house, in the kitchen, before running upstairs and doing the same in each room of the second floor, the noises making Ryan wince, and the coiling feeling in his guts only increasing as he never heard glass shatter.

Shane came back down and stood still in the doorway, panting. He threw the tripod on the ground. It was completely ruined. He held his fists to his face, groaning in frustration. He took a deep breath before turning to Ryan, expression blank.

« Maybe there’s something in the house that can help us get out. »

Ryan frowned. « Do you think this is some kind of scavenger hunt or something? »

« No! But this is a huge house, we didn’t go into every room. Maybe there’s… I don’t know. A hammer, somewhere. » Shane said, already looking around the room as if he didn’t already know it was completely bare except for the occasional cloud of dust coating the floor.

« A hammer? What the fuck are we gonna do with it? Assemble some furniture so that the house feels less empty? »

Shane rolled his eyes. « Oh my god, Ryan, think before you speak. We can break a window with it. »

« Oh, yeah. True. »

As Shane strode out of the room, not losing any time, Ryan stood in place, hesitating a few seconds. He was still dreading exploring the house, especially alone. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He found his need to get out of here was overpowering his fear, even if it was merely by a fraction.

He left the living room to follow Shane into the hallway, who had already gone upstairs, as Ryan could hear him stomping on the floor above him.

Around him were three doors, the first one leading to what had been the kitchen, now completely empty, as Ryan recalled from their investigation the night before, when they had opened every cabinet only to find broken glass and what had looked like the remnants of a ceramic teapot. The second door lead to a small closet, which, after verification, only contained spider webs and little piles of sawdust. The third one, open, unlike the first two, lead downstairs, to the basement.

As if in a trance, he walked to it and stared down, fear numbing his thoughts. He stood still at the top of the stairs, trembling slightly, trying to steady his beating heart. He took a tentative step down, into the dark. After the fourth step, everything was shrouded in obscurity.

He straightened himself up, tried to give himself a semblance of bravery, even if it was all make-believe. He cleared his throat, ready to yell and be assertive to whatever he was maybe about to encounter down there. The sound reverberated inside his own ears, and he found he sounded weak and hollow. 

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his belly. He opened his eyes again and stared into the darkness, heart hammering.

He was about to take another step down when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Flinching, he whirled back, hands shaking.

« Hey, you okay? »

Suddenly comfort was flooding him, as Shane was looking down at him, concern all over his face.

Ryan shook his head to get rid of the distress that was clouding his mind. « Yeah, yeah, I just… There was nothing down there, right? Like nothing that could help us. »

Shane turned his head to the stairs leading down, straight into the darkness, tension in his shoulders. Ryan felt his breath hitch at his friend’s reaction. 

He stared a few seconds, completely silent, and Ryan could feel him squeeze his shoulder lightly. When he spoke again, after what had seemed like an eternity to Ryan, the smaller man finally felt like he could breathe again. 

« Uhhh, no, I don’t think so. » Shane said, frowning lightly.

Ryan exhaled in relief. « Okay, great. »

He took a step up and went back into the hallway, closing the door behind him. As he followed Shane back into the living room, he couldn’t help but look behind his shoulder, as if someone, something, was about to open the door again and jump on him from behind, when he wasn’t looking. He almost ran to the living room, heart in his throat.

In a sigh, Shane sat down on the floor again, slumped against a wall. Ryan crouched next to him.

« Did you find anything upstairs? » He asked, voice wavering. He didn’t want to sound too hopeful but he couldn’t help it.

Shane looked up at him. He looked tired. « No, there was nothing. The house is completely empty. I mean, I guess there’s the bed, but I don’t think it can help us. Even you and your herculean strength couldn’t throw it at a window. »

Ryan’s lips immediately twitched into a smile at the compliment, but he felt himself falter when he registered Shane’s words. 

Nothing. The house was empty.

They were stuck, alone, in an empty house, with nothing and no one to help them, and an indistinguishable threat looming over them from down under, in the room where they hadn’t dare set foot. Ryan could feel it. And judging by Shane’s reaction, Ryan was sure he could feel it too.

Ryan looked at his watch and felt a bottomless pit open in his belly.

« We just missed our plane. » He whispered, slumping against the wall next to his friend.

Shane sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. « Shit. »

Ryan shook his head. He felt something excruciatingly close to panic rise in his lungs. « This is so fucking infuriating! Seriously what is happening? What the fuck is wrong with this place? » 

He could feel himself losing it but there was no stopping it. This place had felt unwelcoming to him since the beginning but it had felt like paranoia on his part, and now it was actually giving him reasons to doubt.

Reasons to doubt that indeed, there was something fucking wrong with this house. Something beyond their control, something unexplained.

His mind immediately went back to their time spent in the basement and Ryan actually felt faint-headed at the memory. He brought his shaky hands up to tangle them in his hair. He knew he probably looked pretty disheveled right now but it was the last of his concerns. He drew out he huge breath of air he didn’t even realize he had been holding. He inhaled deeply but it didn’t seem to quite reach his lungs. There was no calming his racing heart.

« Hey! Hey. »

He felt two strong arms gripping his biceps, gently squeezing.

« Calm down, man, » Shane said, « we can catch another plane. There’s plenty of them during the day. »

Ryan couldn’t tear his eyes away from Shane’s. Why the fuck did they have to be so weird looking and yet so soothing to him?

« That’s, » He almost coughed on the words and took a breath in as he remembered he needed to inhale before speaking, « that’s obviously not the fucking issue, here. »

Shane chuckled lightly. He had a soft smile on his face and _god_ , he looked at Ryan almost fondly. Ryan frowned. « What the fuck is so funny? »

Shane opened his mouth to speak but he remained silent. He retrieved his arms and let them fall back in his lap. « I just— Okay, I’ll admit, this situation is fucking weird. »

Ryan raised his eyebrows. « Wow, thank you for pulling your head out of your ass and finally admitting it. »

« Just shut up and let me finish. Yes, it is weird, but it’s also way too early to start freaking out and make wild assumptions about what’s happening. I know it’s hard for you, but let’s just… Try to keep a clear head for the moment. »

Nothing had ever felt more impossible for Ryan. « I’ll let you do that. Honestly, » He shook his head, looking down, « I think it’s way too late for me. »

Shane frowned. « What are you talking about, man? If you’re stressed out, you know you can talk to me. I’ll help you. You can’t bottle it all up, you’re gonna lose your mind otherwise. »

« You’re always joking about how I already have. »

Shane opened his mouth in disbelief. « I’m… I’m just messing with you, man. That’s— it’s just for the show, it’s stupid. It’s not how I feel, and… I hope you know that. »

Ryan looked into Shane’s eyes. He wanted to drown in them.

« I do, don’t worry about it. » Ryan pursed his lips, finally founding the strength to avert his eyes. « It’s hard, sometimes, in front of the cameras, but… I guess it’s just us now. »

Shane glanced at the camera that was still filming, pointed directly at them. « By the way, I should probably turn this one off. »

He got up and disabled the camera, dislodging it from its stand, which he folded before putting down.

« So I guess there’s nothing to do now but wait for TJ, huh? » Shane asked.

« I guess. »

They both fell silent.

 

And the hours began to pass.

The day dragged on forever, time seemed to stretch and no longer felt like an ally, only increasing the strangeness of their situation.

The more time passed, the more hopeless Ryan felt. He didn’t even know what he was waiting for anymore, as he was now sure TJ wouldn’t show up anymore. 

Boredom progressively overcame him. He had let worry eat away at him the first few hours, pacing around the room under Shane’s annoyed stare, tugging at his hair, gnawing his nails until he tasted blood, and his friend had promptly sat him down and calmed him, a hand on the back of his neck and his steady voice doing wonders to Ryan’s anxiety.

But then he was left with nothing. No occupation, no distraction, waiting was the only thing left to do. And it was hard not to let his distress get the better of him again. It was all he could focus on, really, and he felt exhausted.

At one point, it occurred to him that it might really be one big prank. That Shane and TJ had orchestrated it together, that their cameraman would appear any second now, a GoPro in hand, and shout ‘Gotcha!’ at Ryan and they would all dissolve in a fit of laughter at Ryan’s expense, but Ryan would laugh too, more out of relief than anything. He wanted it to happen, god, he wanted it so badly.

But then he remembered the faint glimpse of fear in Shane’s eyes when they had been in the basement the night before, the one he recognized from their time spent in Waverly. He could see some form of it right now, watered down, in his friend’s gaze. It was the same look of forged bravery, of fake coolness, that clashed so hard with his usual indifference. So Ryan knew. He knew Shane wasn’t pretending.

As the night began to fall, the dying light flooded the living room with an orange glow, making everything look dainty and intangible. Ryan allowed himself to contemplate, bask in the sunlight, feast his eyes on something beautiful one last time before the night would bring panic and unease again.

Shane hadn’t teared his eyes away from outside the window in forever. He was sitting on the window sill, one leg hanging in the air, looking laid-back but expression cheerless. Behind him, his shadow on the wall looked enormous, distorted, casting an unsettling tone on the otherwise peaceful scene. His hair looked almost silky in the fading light, and Ryan wanted to run his hands through it, feel something soft against his skin.

As the sun disappeared behind the horizon, Ryan sighed, closed his eyes, despair making the knot in his throat tighten. 

He felt restless, antsy, couldn’t even begin to _accept_ that they were going to have to spend another night here. Not with what was happening since the previous night. Not when he still didn’t know about what was undoubtedly occupying the basement.

« God, I can’t believe this is happening. » He muttered.

« That makes two of us, buddy. »

They held each other’s eyes for a moment, before Shane turned to the window again.

There was a disturbing thought, which had been taking more and more place in Ryan’s mind throughout the day, until he had been unable to ignore it, a question he didn’t know he wanted to have the answer to or not, something that had been bugging him ever since Shane had had his rage fit against every transparent surface in the house.

He got up and walked to the nearest wall, and set his palm flat against it, pressing on it a little. It felt cold and humid against his skin, and also very much real.

« What are you doing? » Shane asked, from the other side of the room.

Ryan retrieved his hand, inspecting it. Nothing felt out of place, and everything was so unbearably _normal_. 

« Nothing, » he breathed out, « just… trying something. » 

He felt weariness close in on him, as if robbing him of his last shred of hope. He didn’t want to think about anything anymore, not this place, not his growing anxiety, not the thousands of miles that currently separated him from his home. And he certainly didn’t want to think about Shane. 

He turned around, facing his friend. « I think I’m going to bed. I can’t take this anymore. »

Shane slowly nodded. « Yeah, go ahead. I’ll wait a bit more, but probably not for long. »

« Okay. » Ryan hesitated in the doorway, shuffling on his feet. His eyes fell on the third door down the hall, now closed. He looked back at Shane. « Be safe. »

His friend stared at him, a bit surprised, and smiled. « Go to bed, Ryan. »

Ryan nodded, grabbed his bag on the floor and mumbled a ‘good night’ before leaving the room, heart in his throat.


	2. Chapter 2

Shane woke up the next morning with an unsettling feeling of familiarity. 

As he opened his eyes and took in his surroundings, the smell of the room, the feel of the sheets against his skin, he remembered it was the second time he was waking up in this bed now, and he cursed internally at his brain for already making a habit out of it.

He shifted in bed and his eyes fell on Ryan, lying on his back the furthest away from him, staring eyes wide open at the ceiling like the solutions to all of their problems were written there in secret code, and if he looked at it hard enough, it would start to make sense. His lips were moving slightly, as if he was mumbling to himself, but no sound came out of him.

Ryan could act creepy when he was stressed out, but this was truly taking the cake.

Shane allowed himself to look at his friend for a few seconds. Ryan hadn’t even noticed that he was awake. The taller man felt his heart stutter in his chest.

He extended a hand to touch Ryan, to make him aware that he was with him, that he was here, that he could calm down for a minute, realize that he wasn’t alone. But before his fingers could reach him, Ryan turned to look at him and flinched, his eyes going even more wide. This should have been funny, Ryan being scared at something completely mundane and trivial like he so often was, but Shane didn’t find it in himself to laugh. Not when his friend was looking at him like he had just seen death itself. Like Shane was death itself.

Recognition dawned on Ryan’s face, and he fell back against his pillow, hiding his face in his hands.

« Jesus. Warn a guy, next time. » Ryan breathed out.

« It’s literally what I was trying to do. »

Ryan looked at him, eyes narrowed. Shane tried to shake his head against the pillow. « Why do you not think me capable of thoughtfulness? »

« Because I know you, that’s why, » Ryan said, « and you’re full of shit. »

Shane scratched his nose. « We haven’t even got out of bed and you’re already insulting me. »

« You deserve nothing less. »

Shane held Ryan’s gaze and he felt his heart shoot up in his throat. Shane could see that proud glint in his friend’s eyes, the one that was always present whenever they would argue, that would remind Shane that Ryan never backed away from anything, not even useless banter between them, even if it meant ending up with a bruised ego. 

But Ryan also looked tired, eyes red and skin pale, and Shane found himself fighting the urge to reach out to his friend and hold him against his chest. Ryan didn’t look like he could handle a fight right now.

For his sake, Shane decided to put an end to it.

« Can we not fight? I just woke up and I would really like to get out of here today. »

« We’re not fighting. » Ryan answered, already getting out of bed, « And also we’re not spending another night here. »

« Okay, great. »

Shane lingered in bed for a bit, watching Ryan stretch his arms over his head, the muscles on his back shifting, the movement apparent under his thin T-shirt. Shane found himself unable to tear his eyes away.

He felt guilty for what he had said the day before. Ryan had laid his heart bare, had let himself be vulnerable, and Shane had met him with derision and mockery, as he so often did for the sake of the show, or so he liked to tell himself. He hadn’t been able to recognize that the situation in which they found themselves now was more serious than that, more stressful for Ryan, and that it wasn’t to be exploited for views and a few laughs from their audience.

To be honest, he didn’t quite know how to feel about it all. It was too strange of an occurrence for him to properly rationalize it, but at the same time what evidence did they have to start drawing conclusions? It felt better and less damaging to adopt a relaxed stance, to fake a smile and put up with what was happening in the most neutral way, than to truly reflect and coming up empty.

However, that didn’t mean he was going to sit around and do nothing. At least that’s what he told himself as he turned to the window and his eyes fell on a woman walking outside, on the opposite sidewalk.

He immediately jumped out of bed and started banging with his fists on the window. He saw Ryan startle out of the corner of his eye.

« Hey! Heeeey! »

Despite the noise he was making, the woman didn’t bat an eye, continuing her walk.

« What are you doing?! » Ryan hissed behind him.

« There’s somebody outside! » Shane yelled as he ran out of the room and down the stairs, racing to the nearest window and hitting it as hard as he could. The noise sounded deafening in his ears, and yet the woman didn’t spare him a glance.

« Is she ignoring me or what?! Hey! »

His knuckles were beginning to hurt but he kept on making noise. She was so _fucking_ close and she just had to see them, to hear them, and this nightmare would be over.

« Fuck! We’re stuck here, goddammit! Fucking help us! »

He could hear Ryan making noise upstairs too, screaming like he was. However, the woman was soon out of sight, and if she hadn’t heard them by now she certainly never would.

« Shit! » Shane groaned, hitting the window one last time and crumpling on the floor, head buried in his hands. 

He heard Ryan jog down the stairs and into the room. « Did she see us? »

« No, not at all, god. » He looked up at Ryan and sighed. « I really thought this would work. »

Ryan’s entire attitude changed. He had looked so hopeful and optimistic when he had entered the room, eyes shining. Now he was looking down, shoulders drooping down. Shane could see he was biting his lip, as if holding back tears. « Me too. » He murmured.

Shane grimaced. « Great way to start the day, huh? »

He was met with such a forlorn look from Ryan he actually had to tear his eyes away from his friend.

« I’m not even surprised at this point. » Ryan said, shaking his head.

Shane felt his heart sink in his chest. « Hey. Please, don’t lose hope. »

Ryan let out a dry laugh. « Believe me, I’m trying. »

Shane’s body seemed to move on his own as he got back up and walked to Ryan, wrapping the smaller man in his arms before Ryan could protest. He heard his friend’s breath hitch, but then warm hands were finding their way around Shane’s waist, slightly trembling but so tender Shane couldn’t help but tighten his embrace a bit more. Ryan let out an impossibly low whimper, and then, silence surrounded them.

God, had Shane needed this. Even wanted it, if only to ask forgiveness to Ryan about his past actions the previous day.

However, his relief was short-lived, as Ryan slowly disentangled himself from Shane’s arms, a sheepish look on his face. He cleared his throat.

« What was that for? »

« You looked like you were about to cry. »

« I did not. » Ryan scoffed.

« Yes, you did. »

« Fuck you. Got any oreos left? »

Shane blinked a few times in surprise and went to his bag, picking it up and rummaging through it. « Uhhh, I don’t think I do. But I do have cookies. Oh, two packs of cookies! And chips, wow. » He took the food out and held it proudly in front of him, like a prize he had just won.

« Great. That way we won’t die of hunger. Maybe of thirst, though. »

Shane smiled. « Got you covered, baby! » He conjured two small water bottles from his bag.

« Oh, Madej, you’re a lifesaver. » Ryan said, eyeing the food.

« Remember that next time you’re threatening to murder me. »

« Yeah, yeah, we’ll see about that. »

Carrying their food, they left the first floor and went downstairs, plopping down on the floor of the living room. Shane opened the first pack of cookies, holding one out to Ryan.

Ryan took it from Shane’s hands and munched on it, looking thoughtful. He swallowed and locked eyes with his friend. 

« I hate your T-shirt so much. » He declared, expression blank.

Shane stared down, forgetting what he was actually wearing. It was his pajama shirt, bright purple with a dinosaur printed on the front, with the caption ‘never forget’ under it. He was filled with fondness as he recalled the shirt was a gift from his brothers, and that he loved it however stupid it may be. Shane actually found it funny. « Nice way to thank the person feeding you. »

Ryan chose to ignore him. « Are you gonna keep it on all day? »

The taller man shrugged. « I don’t have any clean clothes left. And it’s not like it matters anyway. »

« We could be getting out of here today. »

« So what? I’ll be going home in my pajamas. What’s the big deal? »

« You’re a heathen. Also I don’t like this color on you. »

Shane rolled his eyes and stood up. « God, I’ll go change if that’s what it takes to shut you up. » As he left the room, he could hear Ryan mimicking him in a snarky voice, and Shane flipped him the bird. Their compulsive need to argue as soon as they were up was starting to annoy Shane.

As he was about to go upstairs, his eyes fell on the door leading to the basement, all the way to the end of the hallway. He considered it for a moment, frowning.

He couldn’t help but think that the answer to all of their problems lied down there, under their feet. It was only logical : it was the only place they hadn’t been to yesterday, and now that he was thinking about it, they hadn’t even seen all of it when they were filming, and there were probably some corners that they had left unexplored that day. 

Actually, Shane didn’t remember much about the place, except that it was filthy and dark. There was also that weird smell that had left him nauseous for the rest of the night, a blend of humidity, mold, and something much more sickening, like death, like rotting flesh, or at least that’s what Shane thought it probably smelled like. The smell wasn’t surprising anyway, the place probably crawled with mice. 

But still, even the thought of this place made him shudder. Not in a ‘I don’t want to go back down there because it’s scary and I think something beyond my imagination is living there’, unlike Ryan, more in a ‘this place is fucking filthy and I’m afraid to catch some ancient sickness if I stay in there too long’. If he was truly being honest with himself, he could faintly hear that little voice in the back of his head, telling him his reluctance probably partly came from someplace else, but luckily it was fairly easy to ignore. 

But, Shane thought, biting his lip, still.

He walked to the door, hesitated a second before it, and lifted his hand over the doorknob. He was just about to touch it when Ryan spoke, startling him.

« What are you doing? »

He was standing in the hallway, a few feet from Shane, looking distrustful. Shane felt as if he’d just been caught stealing candy. Slowly, he retrieved his hand and turned to his friend. 

« I, uh… Okay, you’re probably not going to like what I’m about to say but I really think we should check out the basement. »

« Why? » Ryan asked, not batting an eye.

« Just to be sure. »

« Sure of what? »

Ryan’s eyes were getting darker by the second. He actually looked as if he was about to strangle Shane, if he dared make a move to open the door, but he was also looking abnormally pale.

Shane sighed. « Come on, Ryan, you know I think there’s nothing down there. But maybe they stashed their tools down there, gardening stuff, I don’t know. It might be our only chance. »

« I’m not going down there. I’m not. »

« Ryan, this could be our only chance at getting out of here. » Shane realized he was almost pleading.

« Then why don’t you go by yourself? »

Ryan held Shane’s gaze and he probably saw something he deemed interesting there, because he kept on looking for an unusually long time. The tension in his shoulders was making him look anything but scared, quite the contrary, and Shane could almost have felt intimidated, if he hadn’t caught that distressed glint in Ryan’s eyes, and if he hadn’t noticed how his friend’s cheeks seemed to have drained of all color.

He was almost tempted to put an end to all of this, but Ryan gave up first, closing the distance between them in two rigid steps.

« Let’s just get this over with. » He breathed out, finally looking away.

« After you. » Shane said.

« Fuck no. You go first. »

Fair enough, Shane thought, and he didn’t argue any further.

He turned the doorknob, and he was faced with the stairs, leading down and into the darkness. Staring into it, Shane almost felt blinded, lost. As far as he could see, his vision didn’t latch on anything. Alarmingly, it was like staring into the void. Shane retrieved his flashlight from his pocket, switched it on and cast it towards the end of the stairs. It didn’t do much to keep the shadows at bay, but it was the only thing he had. He glanced at Ryan, who spared him one anxious glare, as if saying ‘this was your doing’, before taking one tentative step down. And another.

Soon enough, he was at the end of the stairs, surrounded by darkness, the flashlight illuminating the floor at his feet. He didn’t want to step on a dead mouse and ending up more disgusted than he already was. The abominable smell had progressively taken hold of him, and he had to take a few seconds to get accustomed to it, even though it made him dizzy with disgust. He made a mental note to himself not to take any deep breaths in here, as it would most certainly end up with him retching.

He aimed his flashlight towards the room, searching it, looking for the closer walls. He could distinctly see the ones on the sides, completely bare, but the light couldn’t reach the far end, where Shane desperately hoped they would find something. He then realized that Ryan hadn’t followed him.

He turned around, and his friend still stood at the top of the stairs, over the dark, figure completely black. 

« What are you waiting for? » Shane asked, swinging the light in Ryan’s face. Ryan squinted, then hid his face.

« Nothing. Jesus, put that thing away, I think I’m going blind. » 

He followed his friend downstairs, slowly, the floorboards creaking under his steps. When he finally made it down, Shane could hear that his breathing was labored. Then, as he was approaching his friend, Ryan seemed to trip on something and fell forward, latching on Shane’s arm.

Shane immediately grabbed Ryan by the shoulders to steady him. « Ry? What’s wrong? » 

« Nothing, I just tripped. » He answered, voice shaky.

The desire to end this overwhelmed Shane again. They shouldn’t be doing this when Ryan was feeling so upset. Shane raised his hands to put them on the his friend’s shoulders, and he could actually feel him flinch under his touch.

« Hey, » Shane said, as gently as he could, « are you gonna be okay doing this? »

Despite the obscurity enveloping them, Shane could see the glimmer of Ryan’s eyes. He could see them, moving from side to side, as if following imaginary creatures surrounding them. Shane felt panic rise in his chest. He shook the other man gently.

« Ryan? »

Suddenly, Ryan seemed to snap out of it and his eyes were steady again. He shook his head. « Sorry, I just… I was freaking out for a second. »

Shane exhaled in relief. « Shit, Ryan, okay. You actually had me scared for a second. »

Ryan barked out a laugh, that _thank god_ sounded genuine, and Shane felt so overjoyed he wanted to lift his friend up and swing him in the air. « Really, Madej? Four seasons of goofing around in haunted places and it’s me you choose to get scared at? I feel insulted. »

« I wasn’t scared at you, dumbass, I was scared for you. »

« Yeah, yeah, sure. You’ve never done that before. »

« But this is not like before. » Shane whispered, and he immediately wished he hadn’t said that, that he hadn’t put into words what made this situation even more terrifying.

Ryan remained silent, before clearing his throat. « So… Is there actually anything that can help us out down there? »

Shane hummed. « I don’t see anything here, but I can’t see over there, there might be something. »

Ryan nodded. « Let’s do it quickly. I don’t like being down there. »

« Ryan, it’s okay. There’s nothing here, just us. Look, I’ll prove it right now— »

Ryan seemed to immediately guess what Shane was about to do because he suddenly took hold of his friend’s arm, squeezing it in a silent plea. « No, don’t, Shane, you— » Ryan hissed.

Shane chose to ignore him. « Hey, demon! You son of a bitch! Show yourself! »

He was met with silence. He could feel Ryan next to him, trying to make himself as small as he could.

« If you wanted to keep us as roommates, the least you could have done is ask us beforehand! » Shane yelled again, to no avail. The only thing he could hear was a faint airy sound, like a soft breeze rustling tree leaves, which probably came from outside, even if the place didn’t have any windows. It actually sounded quite nice, soothing even, and listening to it, Shane found himself wanting to crawl in a bed and fall asleep. 

He turned to Ryan. « See? »

Unhurriedly, Ryan raised his head to look at him. It felt like a moment out of a movie, like they had just pressed a button to slow everything down, and as they locked eyes, Shane felt something heavy press on his shoulders, the tension between them almost palpable. Heart racing, he felt as if something was closing in on them, sealing them in a box. Or maybe they were both too enthralled in the moment.

« Shane… I don’t feel too good. » Ryan whispered, almost inaudible.

By the look on his face, Shane guessed it was an understatement. « What is it? »

Ryan looked up at him and frowned. « Oh my god… Shane, you’re sweating. »

« Am I? » He brought a hand to his forehead and fuck, there were actual beads of sweat snaking out from his airline. « What the fuck? »

He looked at his hand and noticed the tips of his fingers were shaking slightly. He flexed his fingers. Despite his relaxed mental state, his whole body seemed on edge.

« I… Shane, we should get out of here. »

The taller man frowned. « What? No, we haven’t seen all of it yet, I bet there’s— »

He was cut off by a brash noise, metallic and piercing, that came from deep within the cave, and that seemed to reverberate all around them, bouncing around the walls and the low ceiling. Ryan yelped and wrapped his hand around Shane’s arm again, squeezing it almost hurtfully. 

« What was that? » He whispered.

« I don’t know. Maybe some stuff fell over there, judging by the sound of it. » He looked down at Ryan and fuck, he had seen some of Ryan most bewildered looks but this was the worst he had ever seen. His face was glimmering with sweat, eyes as wide as ever.

« Are you fucking serious right now? » He huffed, « Stuff falling over?! »

« Yeah, I mean, what else could it be? »

Before Ryan could answer, the sound occurred again, more strident than before, and Ryan let out a small whimper. Shane swung the flashlight in the direction of the sound, but saw nothing. Weirdly, he still could not discern the far wall of the basement. It looked like a never-ending tunnel. Shane thought it reminded him of what you’re supposed to see when you die, only devoid of any comforting light. He felt sweat on his eyelids.

Next to him, Ryan had turned into a quivering mess. « I’m getting out of here. I’m gonna throw up if I stay here any longer. »

« But we haven’t even— »

« Fuck you, Shane. » Ryan spat, before turning around and running to the stairs, behind them. Looking at them now, Shane realized they looked strange, almost out of place, being the only thing where light shone in the whole room. They looked like stairs to the void, stairs to nothingness. They didn’t even feel real, until Ryan stomped on them on his way up.

Shane stayed alone. He didn’t feel like himself. He could feel his mind slowly starting to drift off to some other, more comforting place, his eyelids getting heavy, his vision blurring from sleepiness. 

And then, he could feel it.

It was like something had taken hold of his throat, and he immediately bent over, coughing his lungs out, like he had just inhaled smoke straight from over a fire. He straightened himself up, tried to fill his lungs with air but it never seemed to quite reach them, and as he tried to steady his breathing, limbs shaking, he felt nausea rise in his throat. Every breath he took was like swallowing spoiled, rotting water, and he pinched his nose to stop the sickening smell from making him feel any more nauseous.

« Shit. » He breathed out and he let the flashlight fall on the ground. It loudly crashed against the cement floor, and the sound reverberated inside Shane’s skull, making him light-headed. He felt as if there was a switch in his head, that was repeatedly being switched on and off. Turning on his heels, he staggered out of the basement, following Ryan out, feeling cold sweat on the back of his neck.

When he emerged from the darkness and into the hallway, Ryan was pacing around, hands in his hair. His eyes fell on Shane and the younger man flinched and took a step back.

« Fuck. Fuck. There was something down there. »

« What? » Shane said, and he found his mouth felt stiff, as if he were really tired or really drunk, and his voice didn’t sound quite right to his own ears. But maybe it was just the dull ringing in his head.

But Ryan was oblivious to all that, caught up in his own distress. « I know it. I fucking know it. »

« Ryan, there was nothing. »

It was out of his mouth before Shane could think twice about it. If it was his beliefs speaking before his brain could fully register what had just happened, or his habit to mess with Ryan whenever he had a chance to, Shane didn’t know. But he still cursed himself as soon as it was out, because it wasn’t the truth and it seemed foolish to try to deny it. 

Ryan glared at him, looking hurt and somewhat betrayed.

« Fuck you, Shane. That’s not true, and you know it. »

« No, I don’t. I didn’t see anything and frankly I absolutely don’t get where this is coming from. »

Ryan looked frantic, even more so than before, if only because he was now in the light again. « You don’t get where this is coming— I swear to god, I’m gonna murder you. »

« Hey! What for? »

« I was with you, I know you were scared too! »

Taken aback, Shane stayed silent. He didn’t know if he had been scared, actually. Surprised, shocked, intrigued, puzzled, were right words to describe his current state of mind, but not scared. Ryan should have known that.

Ryan couldn’t know better than him, but he kept on talking as if he did.

« Don’t give me that shit, Shane. It’s only you and me, and it’s not going to kill you, for _once_ , to admit that you were scared. I’m not telling you that because I want you to admit I’m right, or whatever. I just, » He bit his lip, looking down, « it would help me. It would help me not feel, » He took a deep breath, « like I’m going insane. »

And fuck, that felt like as hurtful as a punch in the guts. He had been oh, so stupid to think that Ryan would be okay with any of this. It should have been clear to him since the beginning, as soon as he had hesitated to join Shane, downstairs.

So Shane, for once, decided to swallow his pride. Or part of it, at least.

« Okay, I’ll admit, I was a bit scared. »

Ryan exhaled loudly, closing his eyes. « Great, thank you. »

« But I must say that I didn’t see anything. The place is just really creepy, and I think it… did a number on us. Nothing else. »

« What the fuck does that mean? »

« I… We imagined it. It was our fear talking. »

So much for swallowing his pride, Shane thought. There were some things it seemed he would never be able to do, even to spare his best friend. He knew Ryan was exaggerating anyway, and he also needed to preserve his own sanity. 

Ryan didn’t even look at him. He closed his eyes, turned on his heels and walked upstairs, leaving Shane alone in the hallway. 

Shit, he thought.

Truly, he had done quite the contrary of what he had been trying to accomplish, here. Every thing he had said and done had seemed to anger the younger man even more, so he chose to leave him alone for the time being. Their constant disagreements were becoming tiring, and Shane feared it wasn’t helping Ryan’s anxiety. And the fact that it was largely due to him was hardly bearable to Shane.

He returned to the living room and slid down against the far wall, facing the windows.

He wished he had packed a book with him. It could have distracted him from all this nonsense. He remembered there was one that he had been currently reading, back in his apartment in L.A. He had thought of bringing it with him but had decided against it, thinking that between planes and filming, he wouldn’t have had a minute to himself, and he hadn’t wanted the book to become a dead weight in his bag. Now he couldn’t even remember the name of it. Perhaps it hadn’t interested him much, or perhaps it had been too long since he had last seen his home.

He tried to think of work, of known faces. Of Sara, of Steven. But he quickly shut this part of his memories, as it was making something deeply unpleasant coil in his stomach. It was making him think of what he could have been doing this very moment, instead of sulking around in a fucking decrepit and haunted house. He could have been watching a movie, curled up on his sofa, eating popcorn. Or he could have been out with friends, drowning himself in cheap beer. Or he could be taking a nap in his bed. That, he realized he could actually do. It was a comfort, though he definitely didn’t feel sleepy anymore.

He thought that after this, he would probably take a few days off, and go visit his family, back in Illinois. He missed the snow, he missed the cold, he missed the forests, and the mist and nature. 

Or maybe he would go elsewhere, take a vacation, a big one, and go abroad. Ryan could go with him, and they would travel, just the two of them. After this, they would certainly need it.

If Ryan could ever forgive him for his shitty behavior. If he could ever be honest with him.

As Shane sighed, burying his face in his hands, he heard a faint thud against the window. It had began to rain and the sky was now almost black, filled with menacing clouds. Seemed fitting for wallowing in guiltiness and self-pity. 

His eyes fell on a cat outside. It was brown, with black stripes, and eyes as green as the grass he was strolling around. Poor thing had been caught in the rain and was seeking shelter under a tree. Shane was reminded of Obi, of his own cat. How he missed that soft fur against his skin, the low purring whenever he would pick him up from the ground and hold him against his chest.

He missed the smell of his apartment, the smell of coffee, of fresh laundry.

He missed Sara’s laugh, that lovely way she had of saying ‘hello’ in the morning at work, still sleepy and a little sluggish. He missed TJ and that proud glimmer in his eyes whenever Shane succeeded at riling Ryan up. He missed hanging out with his brothers, talking about nothing and everything, hands shaky from too much caffeine income. For god’s sake, he even missed the feeling of opening a window and breathing in a fresh, cool breeze. And it had only been _two days_.

And suddenly he felt overwhelmed with dread, because he felt he couldn’t be certain for sure that these were things he would ever be able to witness again. He immediately felt stupid for even considering it, because suddenly it wasn’t him speaking, it was Ryan’s fears that had slowly made their way into Shane’s heart, and that were settling there like they owned the place. There was no need to panic, no need to rush and come to hasty and downright bonkers conclusions just because as always, Ryan’s mind had been traveling a bit too far.

But it was too late. He could feel the anxiety rising in his chest, like a wave threatening to hit him soon. He couldn’t let it overpower him like that. He couldn’t. So he forced himself to think of things he still had. His favorite flannel, although dirty and buried deep in his travel bag. The shirt that he currently wore and that Ryan apparently hated, given to him by his brothers. His pair of ghost-hunting boots. And, of course, Ryan. Sunny, beaming, charming Ryan.

He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Somehow, thoughts of Ryan seemed to calm him, even more so because they were accompanied by the certitude that he wasn’t far from Shane, and that all he had to do was go up a few stairs and there would be his friend. 

So he thought of Ryan, again and again. Ryan in the morning, hair a mess and glasses askew, dropping insults left and right at whatever supposedly otherworldly entity had prevented him from sleeping the night before. Ryan working, hunched over his desk and mumbling at himself, looking both terrifying and expressionless. Ryan laughing at Shane’s jokes during post-mortems, Ryan looking at him, smiling at him, touching him. His heart was still racing in his chest, but for entirely different reasons, now. Shane welcomed what that meant about his feelings for his friend. He knew he had it coming. Somehow that made the whole situation even more unacceptable. He needed to apologize, as soon as he felt Ryan would be okay to talk to him again.

The day had passed and the house was dark, now. Or maybe the weather made it seem like it was much later than it actually was, Shane didn’t have the time with him and he couldn’t have been able to tell for how long he had been sitting here sulking. Tomorrow’s another day, he thought bitterly.

He stood up and headed upstairs. He needed to talk to Ryan anyway.

 

The door to their room was open. Shane knocked twice and stood in the doorway, just as Ryan, already in bed, turned to him, expression unreadable. They stared at each other.

« Can I come in? » Shane asked when the awkwardness of the situation started to get to him.

Ryan didn’t hesitate. « Of course. Where would you go otherwise? »

Approaching, Shane made a small approving noise. « True. »

He slipped into bed next to Ryan and settled under the covers. God, after doing nothing all day he didn’t feel tired at all. 

Ryan was lying on his back, looking at his hands fiddling with the covers. It felt so intimate, so peaceful, lying here next to him as the day died outside that Shane wanted to cry. He didn’t want to ruin the moment but he needed to make amends. Fuck, he felt selfish.

« I’m sorry for earlier, » He said, « I know that’s not what you needed to hear. »

Ryan sighed and his hands fell back against his stomach. « It’s okay. I know you have a strict ‘no bullshit’ policy when it comes down to these things. »

« I don’t— I’m really sorry Ryan, I’m truly as lost as you are, and… I’m just trying to rationalize it the best way I can. Somehow. »

Ryan shook his head. He looked annoyed again. « How can you say that after what happened today? »

« Habit, I guess. » Shane fought the urge to shrug. He didn’t want Ryan to think he wasn’t being serious. He could barely handle the way his friend was looking at him.

« You realize how unconvincing that sounds, right? »

« I don’t know what else to say. » Why his voice had gotten so small, Shane wouldn’t have been able to say. 

Ryan kept silent at that. Shane could tell that this wasn’t the end of it, he recognized the look on his friend’s face as the one he wore when he felt deeply frustrated about something. Shane hated how he could read his friend like an open book, how Ryan seemed so trusting with him without even noticing. Shane thought it was careless and that he didn’t deserve it. He thought he should have welcomed that trust with pride, and instead he kept testing the limits of it, as if he doubted it was genuine.

« Shane, » Ryan said, after what felt like an eternity, « I don’t feel safe, here. » The tone of his voice made it sound like a secret he had kept for years.

« There’s nothing to be afraid of, Ryan. It’s just an old house with a creepy-ass basement, that’s all. Remember, when we were filming, you were so disappointed because we didn’t get any evidence. »

Shane immediately regretted mentioning this. The day when they had arrived with TJ and Devon, cameras under their arms and bags of equipment slung over their shoulders, felt like a distant dream, though it had only been two days ago.

Ryan bit his lips and stared at the ceiling. « God, I feel like this was ages ago… » He closed his eyes briefly. « But still. I can’t shake the feeling that… Shit, something’s wrong. Something’s very, very, wrong. »

« In what way? »

The younger man inhaled shakily. « I don’t know… But I could feel something down there. Like we weren’t alone. Or at least like… That place, it isn’t what it seems to be. There’s something more to it. » He turned to Shane. « I can’t go back. I can’t. »

« All right, » Shane smiled, « I lost my flashlight after you dashed out of there anyway, and I don’t think I’ll be able to find it. It’s so dark down there. »

« You lost it? »

Shane grimaced. « Yeah. Sorry. »

Ryan frowned. He was doing it so often lately it seemed it had left a permanent crease between his eyebrows. 

Silence fell over them, and Shane relished in it. Ryan looked deep in thought, and for once, the anxious glint that always lingered in his eyes had disappeared. Now he just looked perplexed, thoughtful, and so goddamn soft Shane felt his breath hitch in his throat. If his phone hadn’t died maybe he would have taken a photo of Ryan, right now. But again, if he had his phone, they wouldn’t be here, still.

The younger man finally turned to his friend, still looking stumped, oblivious to Shane’s staring. « Hey, if there was one last place you could visit on Earth, any place… What would it be? »

Shane’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. This truly wasn’t what he had been expecting to come out of Ryan’s mouth next, and somehow it was breaking his heart a little. « I know it’s almost always the case but… I can tell something really dark is brewing in that weird little brain of yours, right now. »

« It’s a harmless question. »

« Clearly, it’s not. »

« Just answer. » Ryan stared at him, gaze intense. It really should have had the opposite effect on him, but Shane felt oddly compelled to answer, when he was being scrutinized by Ryan in such an open and earnest way. 

He slowly breathed out, shuffling in the bed so that he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. 

« I don’t know… Probably a National Park, or something. Illinois has some great ones. »

Ryan rolled his eyes. « Of fucking course. If you’re gonna choose a National Park you might as well go to the Grand Canyon. »

Shane grimaced. « Meh. Too dry. If there isn’t a bit of green it’s a garbage landscape. There’s nothing quite like the smell of a forest just after it rained. » He inhaled theatrically.

Ryan scoffed. « Anything smells better than a wet forest. Cold pizza smells better than that, and cold pizza sucks. »

« Cold pizza is great! » 

« How the fuck did we ever become friends? You’re really fucking weird. »

« Ryan. If there’s one thing I can promise you, it’s that with your fucking unhealthy obsession with ghosts and crime, I’ll never be weirder than you. » Shane winked and in a second, that competitive sparkle in Ryan’s eyes was back.

« Maybe. But at least I’m glad not to be the one that’s so obsessed with hot dogs he decided to write a story about it. » He answered.

Shane couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his face because Ryan’s cockiness, that he had _oh_ so missed, was finally returning.

« Okay, enough chit-chat, what about you, where would you go? » Shane asked, adoration so clear in his voice he wanted to slap himself.

Ryan shrugged. « I’m a simple man. I would go to Knott’s Berry Farm and gorge myself with boysenberry hot dogs. »

Shane chuckled. « I should have known. »

« Yeah, you should have. »

« Sorry to disappoint. »

Ryan smiled at him. « It’s okay, it’s you, I’m used to it now, I guess. Being friends with you is like a never-ending rollercoaster of disappointment. »

Shane opened his eyes wide at him and then dissolved into a fit of laughter, falling back against the pillows.

« Oh my god, » he said, wiping tears from his eyes, « you really are on your best game tonight. »

Ryan smiled coyly at him. Shane let his hands fall at his side and his eyes linger on his friend. Sadly, Ryan’s smile had quickly faded away. Now he just looked exhausted. 

The smaller man caught Shane’s insistent eyes and licked his lips. « Hey, I’m really tired, I think I’m gonna try and sleep. »

Shane nodded, slightly. « Yeah, of course. Sleep tight. »

He immediately felt frustrated. Ryan was scared, and anxious, and sure, Shane was feeling all of that too but he knew Ryan had much more trouble at handling it and he wished his presence could give as much comfort to Ryan as Ryan’s presence was giving to him, now. 

« You okay? »

Ryan looked almost surprised. « Yeah. Yeah, I am. »

Something seemed to linger in the air between them. Shane didn’t want to leave it at that. Something was missing, something crucial. He pursed his lips, hesitating a few seconds. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ryan cut him off.

« I’ll be better tomorrow. » He said simply. The uncertainty in his eyes made it hard to believe. But Shane took it nonetheless.

« Okay. See you tomorrow, then. » He smiled at Ryan, and his friend weakly responded.

Shane felt overwhelmed. The right words were on the tip of his tongue. ‘You shouldn’t bother yourself with that. I know what you’re thinking and there’s no need to worry, really. This won’t last, I know it.’ But before he could gather up the courage to tell them to Ryan, his friend had already turned around, his back to Shane.

He allowed himself to stare again, at Ryan’s lying form. His shoulders were still tense, the muscles on his back looked contracted. How was he ever going to find sleep, Shane thought, when he was clearly still so distraught? If only Shane had been bold, enough to wrap himself against his friend’s back without a second thought, without the little voice at the back of his head telling him that Ryan wouldn’t like that, he would despise it, in fact.

Because he knew part of his motivations came from someplace else. It wasn’t only friendly, platonic concern. He wasn’t stupid, he wasn’t oblivious, what that was, he knew it well. And that’s why he felt invasive for even considering it, even though Ryan possibly needed the contact, the reassurance, was possibly wishing for it right now. 

Shane kept to himself and closed his eyes. Sleep overcame him before he could dwell any more on his thoughts.

 

The next morning, he was woken up by a loud, raspy breathing, and as he opened his eyes, vision blurry from sleep, he noticed Ryan was shaking like a leaf, sitting up on the bed and hunched forward as in pain.

« Ryan? What’s wrong? »

Ryan slowly lifted his head and looked at his friend, eyes glassy and face pale.

Suddenly Shane felt as lucid as if he had just been thrown in ice water, and he immediately sat up, shifting closer to Ryan and lifting a tentative hand to his shoulder. Ryan could be hurt, or sick, he was definitely in pain and maybe in need of immediate medical care and fuck, he had momentarily forgotten they were stuck here with no one to help them and—

« Shane… I can’t breathe… »

Ryan’s voice was so small and quiet that Shane found it in himself to remain collected despite his heart completely shattering in his chest. He knew Ryan was prone to panic attacks, and he had helped him recover from them numerous times before.

He gently grabbed Ryan’s hand from where it was clutching the sheets and he started rubbing soothing circles on it with his thumb.

« Ryan, look at me. Mirror my respiration. »

Ryan’s wide eyes fell on Shane’s chest, and he let out a huge breath, immediately dragging another one in.

« Yeah, that’s good, » Shane whispered, « You can go slower. Keep it in a few seconds. »

Ryan looked back up at Shane’s face, taking deep breaths and slowly letting them out, before closing his eyes.

« You’re okay, Ryan. There’s nothing to be afraid of. »

The younger man’s eyes fluttered open and locked into Shane’s, as he kept inhaling and exhaling deeply. Shane smiled, and he felt relief flood his chest when Ryan shyly smiled back.

« You’re doing good. » Shane whispered.

After a few minutes of slow breathing, Ryan retrieved his hand from Shane’s grasp and fell back on the bed, sighing loudly.

« God, I’m so sorry. Thank you for this. »

« Hey, no, don’t apologize, » Shane said, « it’s not your fault. »

Ryan kept silent and stared at the ceiling, looking worn-out despite the early hour. Shane felt overwhelmed by a wave of protectiveness but kept to himself, as he didn’t want to invade Ryan’s space after he had just recovered from his panic attack.

« I wish, » Shane started, uncertain, « I wish I could do more. »

Ryan cocked his head against the pillow to look at him. « You’re already doing plenty, trust me. »

He slowly teared his eyes away from Shane’s and sat up, rubbing his eyes and getting up groggily.

Shane remained still. He was boiling inside.

Because, no this wasn’t plenty, it wasn’t even enough. Nothing that he was doing was, and it felt so, fucking _infuriating_. Ryan deserved so much more than this, so much more than what Shane was able to offer. And he certainly didn’t deserve what was happening to them.

He felt anger rise inside him, like that first day when he had try to crash every window. God, he wished he had a pile of plates right now, porcelain, pearl white, so he could just smash them against the floor and let go of his growing frustration, if only for a short amount of time.

He groaned internally and buried his face in his hands.

He was truly lost, and quickly running out of ideas on how to keep everything as normal as he could, despite _being stuck in a goddamn haunted house for fuck’s sake_.

But hell, for Ryan, he was ready to throw all of it out the window, his old beliefs, his pride. None of that mattered anymore, in here. None of it would, not until Ryan was safe and they were out of here.

In this moment, he realized that his feelings for Ryan scared him. _So this must be love,_ he thought bitterly, and he actually wanted to cry. 

He inhaled deeply out and got out of bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry it took me so long to update... this chapter has been kicking my ass since the beginning and it's been sitting unfinished for months on my computer. I just can't look at it anymore! 
> 
> Hope you'll like it

On the third day, they started rationing out food and water, since it turned out that Shane’s seemingly endless snack’s stash, well, wasn’t, and Ryan really, really didn’t want to think about they would have to do once they would unavoidably run out of food.

On the fourth day, Ryan noticed, waking up, that the floor on his side of the bedroom was completely covered in his clothes, scattered around the floorboards as he had never bothered to fold them back in his bag. He felt a new kind of dread settling in his guts as he realized the place was starting to look an awful lot like his own room, in his apartment, back in L.A.

On the fifth day, he woke up alone in the bed, and he suddenly felt as if all of his deepest fears had caved in on him.

He sat up straight on the bed and rustled the covers around, already feeling foolish because how could Shane and his ridiculously long, lanky body ever hide under there?

« Shane? » He called out to the room, and he felt a knot tighten in his throat as he was met with silence.

He knew it was irrational, but suddenly he was overwhelmed with a rush of bad scenarios, horrible, dreadful things that could have happened to his friend during the night. Maybe he had decided to take a walk downstairs and had been injured by the demon, maybe he had hurt himself, maybe he had found a way outside and now couldn’t find his way back in to retrieve his friend. Maybe he had just vanished.

Or maybe he had abandoned Ryan. Finally fed-up and tired of this little joke, he had left, god knows how, leaving Ryan all by himself in this horrendous place. Ridiculous theory, really, Ryan thought, but he couldn’t silence that little voice in the back of his head, the one murmuring to him that yes, indeed, all of these were plausible. Shane could be lying dead on the ground in the basement, bleeding out. Or he could be miles away from here, enjoying his newfound freedom from his annoyingly neurotic little friend.

Ryan pinched his eyes shut, shaking his head and trying to calm down. He took a deep breath and got out of bed, standing up on wobbly feet.

« Shane? » He called again, barreling out of the room and opening every door to every room he could find, panic flooding his lungs, because his friend was nowhere to be found.

He almost broke his ankle running downstairs, his legs too shaky to move this fast. When he saw that the living room was empty as well, they almost gave out from under him.

In that moment, it dawned on him that maybe it had all been a dream, he thought, head spinning and breathing labored. Shane had never been here, it had been but a figment of his own imagination, to try to cope with what was happening, like some sort of twisted defense mechanism.

He was alone, alone, alone. And losing his sanity by the second.

Suddenly, he heard a creak on the floorboards, not far from him. It was a miracle he even heard it, with the shrilling noise ringing at the base of his skull covering everything.

But there was Shane, standing in the threshold of the kitchen, a slightly concerned and amused look on his face. Still wearing his stupid shirt, Ryan’s brain supplied for him. Now was really not the time, but he couldn’t help it, he hated that thing with a _passion_.

The taller man laughed. « Hey, Ryan. »

Ryan immediately let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes shut, basking in the moment. Shane was here. Shane was alright. Shit, he had been so close to a full-on mental breakdown, right here. How stupid he felt. « Thank god, you’re here. » He breathed out.

Shane laughed again. « Where would I be? » He stepped closer to Ryan and as he locked eyes with him, the younger man couldn’t help but notice the growing concern in his friend’s eyes. « Did something happen? You’re white as a sheet. »

Ryan shook his head and he immediately felt light-headed. Now was not the time for brashness. « Yeah, no, I just… I couldn’t find you and I… panicked a bit. » He laughed nervously. « That was stupid of me, I know. »

Shane looked heartbroken, and Ryan hated this look on him. « No, not at all. God, Ryan, I’m so sorry. »

Ryan averted his eyes. « No, don’t, really don’t even worry about it, it was just me, uh, you know, being me, I guess, I just— » He drew in a shaky breath and realized he was seconds away from crying. He felt blood rush to his cheeks in embarrassment.

« Ry? »

Shane had stepped closer to him than before, leaning down so that his face could be on the same level as Ryan.

Ryan’s mouth moved before he even registered it doing so. « Sometimes I’m afraid I’m actually alone in here and I’m imagining you being here with me. »

As he said it, it was as if a heavy burden had suddenly been lifted from his heart. One of his deepest fears, one that he hadn’t really been able to put into words before had now been spoken, was out in the open, and despite how foolish he felt, Ryan couldn’t help but be relieved. He felt as if another barrier between him and Shane had been broken, despite how desperate Ryan felt.

He heard the taller man’s breathing hitch. « Don’t do this to yourself, Ryan, » Shane whispered. « Please. »

Ryan closed his eyes. He could feel the warmth emanating from Shane’s body enclosing him, surrounding him in a bubble of comfort and relief. « Help me not to. » He pleaded, voice so small he almost didn’t hear himself.

And suddenly, as light as a feather, he could feel Shane’s fingers softly stroking the skin on the back of his hand. Ryan felt his hand flinch against his thigh, and he repressed a shudder as goosebumps covered his arms. He sighed and opened his eyes.

Shane was looking down, at their touching hands, expression indecipherable. Noticing his friend staring, he turned to Ryan, with a soft questioning look in his eyes. Ryan involuntarily made a helpless noise, unable to look away.

He probably didn’t look convinced or reassured enough, because then Shane took his hand in his own, fully, fingers intertwining, and squeezed gently. « See? » he said, « I’m here. »

Ryan drew in a shaky breath and nodded.

« Do you want me to pinch you? » Shane asked, lips quirking up in a small smirk.

Ryan retrieved his hand, as if it was suddenly dawning on him that this was becoming really dangerous territory. « God, no, it’s okay. » He shook his head. « You jerk, you just ruined the moment. »

Shane chuckled. « Sorry, I can’t help myself. »

Flustered, Ryan averted his eyes and realized he was still wearing his sweatpants and the T-shirt in which he slept. By now, getting dressed in the morning had started to feel useless and absurd, but Ryan always made a point to do so, if only to give the situation some sort of normality. 

« I’m gonna go put some clothes on. » he said, already walking away from Shane and his warmth. Never had he been so embarrassed to ache for something so bad.

Upstairs, as he rummaged through his clothes scattered around on the floor, his eyes fell on the spirit box, lying abandoned in the corner of the room, already covered in a thin layer of dust. He picked it up and fiddled with it, the temptation to use it progressively becoming overwhelming. As he switched it on, hands trembling, he immediately felt as if it was a mistake. Whatever outcome this would have, he felt he was not ready for it. 

The device started spitting out its usual cacophony of sounds, shrieking and deafening just like before, and Ryan almost found it comforting, how it sounded familiar to his own ears. Taking a deep breath, he thought of the usual questions and tried to bury his fear deep down in his belly, where it could make itself smaller.

« Is there anybody with me right now? »

The spirit box then let let out a loud crackle, startling Ryan, before a voice made its way out of the speakers, clearer than anything he had ever heard, despite the nonsense it was saying.

« … ere… me… ow… »

Heart hammering in his chest, Ryan gripped the device tighter and brought it closer to his ears.

« My name is Ryan, can you say my name back to me? »

The voice stayed silent for a fraction of time, and Ryan could feel the tension in his body intensifying with each passing second, the chaotic noises giving him a headache. He felt a bead of sweat slide down his temple. 

And then it spoke again, the same voice as before.

« …y… yan… to m… »

Ryan felt a chill run up his spine as he realized the voice sounded oddly familiar. « Who… Who are you? »

« … re… you… »

As the spirit box perfectly regurgitated the last word, the single syllable of ‘you’, Ryan realized who it reminded him of. The machine was casting out his own voice back to him, twisted and distorted, but still recognizable.

This didn’t make any sense. This wasn’t how the device worked. He inspected it, turned it in his hands, but it didn’t seem to be malfunctioning. Maybe the dust, or some other thing, had gotten to it. Maybe something was preventing it from working, from inside the house. He shuddered, thinking of what he knew was lurking, down under in the darkness of the basement. He closed his eyes and turned the spirit box off, relishing in the newfound silence.

He suddenly felt a presence behind him and he whirled around, inhaling sharply as he eyes fell on the tall figure hovering in the doorway. He sighed in relief when he recognized Shane, looking tired and disappointed.

« What. are you doing. » the taller man muttered, entering the room.

Ryan turned back to the device. Suddenly he didn’t know anymore, what exactly he had been trying to achieve. « I just wanted to try something. »

Shane flopped down on the bed, eyeing the spirit box suspiciously. « Unless it starts giving us the instructions on how to get out of here I’ll doubt it’ll be of any use. And even if it does, I’m not even sure I want to hear it. »

« You can save your breath, it doesn’t work anymore anyway. »

Shane craned his neck to look at him from where he was lying in the bed, eyebrows raised. « What do you mean? It seemed to be working fine, just now. »

Ryan shook his head. « No, it was… » He thought it over for a minute, frowning, « I was actually hearing myself through it. It was repeating whatever I had just been saying. » He paused again. « I think. »

Shane sat up at that, intrigued. « Is there like… A switch to record on this, somehow? Maybe you didn’t use it right. »

« I’ve been using this thing for years. Unlike you, I think I know how it works. »

Shane looked away, fixing his eyes on the ceiling instead. He slowly exhaled before speaking again. « Okay, I have an observation to make. »

« Uh… Okay, go ahead, I guess. » Ryan said, setting the spirit box aside.

Shane turned around on sat on the edge of the bed, facing Ryan, but eyes anywhere but on him. « Okay, so. I ate two cookies yesterday and I’m not even hungry today. That’s weird, right? »

Ryan immediately picked up on the atmosphere change. Shane looked troubled, distraught even, and as he spoke it was as if he had just instilled his weariness into the air between them. Were they really talking about cookies? « I don’t— Sometimes it happens? You know, when you don’t eat a lot for a period of time, and then your stomach shrinks so you need to eat less than you did before? » Ryan shrugged. « That’s a thing, right? »

« Yeah, I guess, but— Actually, I… That’s not what I meant. I just, » He closed his eyes and opened them again. « I’m… beginning to feel it too. » He paused, took a huge breath, licked his lips. « There’s something wrong with this house. »

Ryan was officially lost. « You do? Wait, hold up, what the fuck does that have to do with the fucking cookies? »

Shane sighed, frantically shaking his head. « It’s just… You could explain that, right? But it’s still strange. »

« Uhhh… Yeah, I guess. »

« I feel like everything that’s happening to us here is exactly like that. Like small little weird things that keep piling up and sure you _could_ explain it, but at the same time… what the actual fuck is happening? »

Ryan could already feel relief flooding his chest. Finally, fucking finally, Shane was maybe, just maybe, seeing eye to eye with him. « Fuck, dude, you… You really don’t have to tell me. »

The taller man finally looked at Ryan and as they locked eyes, he could see how desperate Shane was, how desperate for answers he must have been to come to him and share his fears and concerns with him. But Ryan didn’t have time to comfort him, as words came spilling out of Shane again, like a never-ending stream. 

« But it’s not just that. I’m starting to feel really bad here, I don’t know why but I keep having random moments of panic throughout the day, completely uncalled for, and I… I’ve been trying to go back to the basement but the memory of this place makes me feel sick, and… » He trailed off and averted his eyes again. 

He must then have been reminded to who he was actually talking to, how easily frightened Ryan could be, because when he spoke again, it was in a more composed way, though the younger man could tell it was faked.

« Fuck, Ryan, by no means am I trying to worry you or stuff but… I’m having a hard time rationalizing what’s happening here and it’s making me feel really fucked up. I’m so fucking lost. » He pursed his lips, looking down and Ryan followed his gaze, realizing that Shane was clasping his hands in his lap, knuckles so white it made Ryan wince. « I really wish something, _anything_ would start making sense here because, fuck, we’ve been here almost a week and— I just— I can’t keep pretending like this, here, this… this situation is normal. »

He looked back up and in that moment Ryan knew he would be spending the next hours mending his broken heart back together, because the expression Shane was wearing was painfully new and he immediately wished he had never seen it. « I’m not messing with you Ryan. » The taller man inhaled shakily. « I’m really starting to freak out. »

And somehow, this was all Ryan needed to gather his strength and want to play the role of the comforting one. He had to do something anyway because the look on Shane’s face was downright unbearable. 

He stood up and sat down next to his friend on the bed. « Okay, okay, shit, we can’t both have a mental breakdown the same day. We can’t. »

Shane exhaled a dry laugh. « So what, you get to have the monopole on them? I know you have the seniority on that one Ryan but, fuck, there’s no need to be selfish. » He bit his lower lip and let his head droop down, and Ryan had never seen him cry, except of laughter, and he really didn’t want to change that, especially right now. Because if Shane wasn’t cool and collected, then it all felt hopeless. After all, Shane’s composure had always been what had kept Ryan from losing his sanity.

If Shane was lost, then Ryan was beyond salvation.

« So… You also think that whatever the fuck is down there is fucking with us? »

« I don’t… I really don’t know, Ryan but— this is fucked up and I feel like something, or someone is fucking toying with us, and I— »

Suddenly, he was caught off by a loud noise, coming from downstairs. Ryan had trouble placing it for a few moments, not understanding what it was. He felt his blood turn to ice in his veins when he finally did. 

It sounded as though someone was trying to jam the door open.

« What the fuck is happening? » Ryan whispered.

Shane opened his mouth to speak but he was caught off by the sound of a door loudly collapsing against a wall, resonating in the whole house and making the walls shiver. 

Shane stood up, gaze fixed on the door. « I think there’s someone downstairs. » he said, and in three long strides he was out of the room and into the hallway, jogging down the stairs as if somebody had just rang the bell. Ryan ran after him and caught his arm, his heart about to explode. « Wait, what if it’s dangerous? » He hissed, forcing his friend to stop and look at him.

Shane shoved his arm out of Ryan’s grip. « God, I don’t care, I just wanna get out of here. »

What awaited them downstairs nearly made Ryan faint.

Two men were standing in the hallway, hunched over some pieces of paper and quietly conversing, looking solemn and official in lavish suits and shiny shoes. It had been so long since Ryan had seen other human beings, he had started to think he never would again. 

Eyes falling on them, he felt foolish first. Now, they would unavoidably have to explain to them what they were doing here, why they were looking so dishevelled, what they had been doing here all these days. Ryan had never felt more out of place, but Shane didn’t hesitate one bit, already walking towards the visitors.

« Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re here, » He began, relief evident in his voice.

But the two men seemed deep in conversation, and they didn’t even spare Shane a glance, even though he was talking louder than them and standing right before them.

« Uh… Hello? » The taller man tried again, taking a step closer and waving a hand in front of them. As the two men ignored him again, he slowly lowered his hand and put it on the shoulder of the closest one, taking his time as to no startle him.

But it was useless, as the man didn’t even acknowledge that he was being touched, didn’t notice the hand on his shoulder that was beginning to tremble. Shane abruptly removed it and clutched it to his chest, as if he had just been burned, expression twisted in confusion. 

Ryan felt as if he was witnessing some sort of sick joke, and he was reminded of a prank his friends used to pull on him when he was a kid, pretending not to know him and ignoring him until he was begging them to talk to him, only to be met with laughs and mockery. Though it had been horrible, the adult version of it was much much worse.

« Shane, oh my god, what’s happening?! » 

Shane fell silent and extended an arm to him, stopping him from coming closer. « I… I don’t think they can see us. » He whispered, pale as a sheet.

Ryan wanted to laugh, because how the fuck could it be the case? They were right in front them, right under their nose, and suddenly he felt overcame with boldness and he made a move to walk towards them, but Shane kept him in place, a strong hand on his shoulder. Ryan was about to protest and shove Shane out of the way but before he had a chance to, one of the two visitors turned his head towards them, and looked _right through them_.

Ryan felt his eyebrows shoot up all the way to his airline and a dry laugh escaped his lips. « Is this some sort of joke? » He asked, and he realized how loudly he had spoken only when Shane’s hand squeezing his shoulder began to hurt. It sparked no reaction from the two men.

Ryan was beginning to feel antsy when suddenly, they turned around, and their hushed conversation became audible to Shane and Ryan, and the younger man found himself avidly listening to it as if they were discussing the key to immortality. He felt as if some sort of deep, ancient secret was being unfurled before them, even though the actual content of the conversation at first seemed quite trivial.

« It’s such a nice house, it looks pretty ancient but it could be renovated. » The first man said, taking in his surroundings, an inquisitive look on his face. « What’s the problem with it again? » The other one shook his head in response.

« The municipality doesn’t want to destroy it but kids are always coming to mess around, so it’s safer to just condemn the doors and windows. There has been so many accidents here, it’s really not an option anymore to have people live in it. »

At that moment, Ryan and Shane locked eyes. This wasn’t new to them, Ryan distinctly remembered talking to somebody from City Hall the day before the shooting, that had explained all of this to them. The conversation they were now witnessing sounded an awful lot like the one they had had previously. But still, he felt something was off, that the information wasn’t being shared in the same way, and there was something grave and solemn in they way the two men were conversing, as if they were discussing a recent tragedy. 

« What? What do you mean? » The first man inquired, frowning.

His companion paused, sighed, and spoke again after a beat. « This house is pretty dangerous. Many people have died here. »

They knew that too. Hell, they had come here because of that. But Ryan still couldn’t help the shiver that went up his spine.

« How? Looks good to me. » 

Again, there was another beat. « The air in the basement is poisonous. »

« Really? »

Now, that was new information to them, and Ryan turned to Shane again, frowning. Something was clicking into place in his head, like the different pieces of the puzzle were about to find their right places, but the final image was still blurry. Something in his mind was refusing to allow him to see the full picture.

« It’s completely safe in the rest of the house, but downstairs it’s deadly. They could never figure out why, or do anything about it. The house has kind of a reputation now, people think it’s haunted, or something. » 

« Wow, that’s weird. Has there really been a lot of accidents? »

The other man hesitated at that, looking uncomfortable. There obviously was some last piece of information he was reluctant to share, and Ryan couldn’t help but feel that this was it, right now, their final clue. He gulped and realized his mouth was completely dry. 

The man sighed again before speaking, softly and almost whispering. « Yes. Actually a few weeks ago, two guys came, filming for a supernatural show. Nobody had told them, they went down there, and— it was kind of a mess, everybody was upset for weeks. That’s why they’re having it condemned now. Enough is enough, you know. »

« Wait, do you actually mean… »

« Yeah… They died. » 

Ryan didn’t process it at first, what had just been laid out before him to fully understand what was happening to them. As the men walked away from them deeper into the house, he rushed to the front door and tried to open it. He knew it was open, the keys were still jangling from the lock, from when one of the two men had opened it. He felt nausea rise in his throat as he was reminded he had found himself in the exact same position a few days ago, forcing the door to open and failing to do so.

And that’s when it hit him, when what had just been said finally locked into place in his head.

Two guys had come in here, looking to film for a supernatural show, a few weeks ago. They had died in the house, in the basement, choking on poisonous gas, because no one had bothered to warn them about it.

It was them, him and Shane. Who else could it have been? 

« No. No. » Shane muttered then, making Ryan jump. They locked eyes and the younger man saw his own distress, his own despair mirrored on his friend’s face, and he knew then they finally had the explanation they had been looking for for so long, cruel as it may be.

And then, a part of him started screaming, deep within his belly, because no, _fuck no_ this couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t The Sixth Sense or Ghost or any of the stupid supernatural movies he had ever seen before. This was real life and suddenly he really, really didn’t want to believe in any of it. Ghosts, demons, the undead, anything. 

It couldn’t happen. Not to them. Not after they had spent so much time rubbing elbows with death, in every haunted mansion they ever went to. Shit. Ryan had never realized that danger could take many different forms in those places. How ironic that something so mundane could happen to them when they spoke so often of violent and supernatural deaths.

But no, it didn’t make any sense. They had finished the filming, as usual, and Devon and TJ had left them for the night, a little before two in the morning, as usual, and him and Shane had settled in bed together upstairs, as usual, where they had woken up the next morning…

He realized in horror he couldn’t distinctly recall anything after the seance they had held in the basement. Couldn’t remember what were TJ’s last words to them, as he had left, couldn’t remember if that night had been stressful or not for him, if he had slept well, if anything had scared him, if Shane had been annoyed by him.

Because nothing had seemed out of place the next morning, Ryan had just filled in the blanks alone. But none of it had ever happened.

Or had it? Ryan felt his grip on reality completely vanish and he stumbled backwards and almost fell on the stairs, gripping the railing. His mind was turning into a complete mess, spluttering nonsense to him and making him so light-headed he had to shut his eyes for a few beats.

The two men reappeared before them and Ryan watched, helplessly, as they opened the door right before him and simply walked out of the house and into the front lawn. Something beyond him was preventing him from taking one step further, was locking him in place, and he couldn’t even move a finger before the door was closed again. He heard the sound of keys turning in the lock, sealing them in the house again. He wanted to vomit.

« It’s… It’s impossible, I don’t get it, the filming, the— » The knot tightening in his throat suddenly silenced him. His eyes fell on his friend, also locked in place, eyes wide and face pale.

« Okay, calm down, calm down, Ryan. » Shane started pacing around, hand in his hair. « It has to be a joke, right? A very, very, very bad joke. »

Ryan rubbed the palms of his hands against his eyes. « Fuck, Shane, what’s happening to us?! »

The taller man stopped in his tracks and stared at him. Ryan could see his hands shaking. Just looking at him so distressed made him want to cry. He needed to get that look off Shane’s face as soon as fucking possible.

« I need proof. » Shane blurted out.

Ryan frowned. « Proof? Proof that we’re fucking dead, I don’t— » He suddenly felt dizzy. He couldn’t believe these were the words he had just uttered, but at the same time he realized in horror they had exactly what Shane was looking for. « Shit. The footage. The camera footage from the first day. » 

Understanding dawned on Shane’s face. He ran upstairs, Ryan at his heels. 

In the bedroom, the camera laid on the floor, forgotten under scattered clothes. Shane grabbed it and turned it on. The screen lit up and he selected the latest recording.

The image filled out the entire screen. Ryan could make out the entrance, he could see a window on the corner of the screen, filling the room with sunlight. 

But the room was empty.

« Fuck, fuck, no. » Shane muttered. He tried to fast-forward the video but his trembling fingers were preventing him from doing so. Ryan took the camera from his hands and did it for him. 

The image didn’t move. The camera had been on its stand the whole time, untouched. It was as if it had been triggered by itself, or by an invisible being in the room. Which it had been, Ryan realized bitterly, biting his lip and tasting blood. He felt his grip on the camera loosen and it slipped from his hands, falling on the floor. The lens shattered in a thousand small pieces as it touched the floorboards. He didn’t even hear the impact. His heart was beating so fast he could only make out the blood thumping in his ears. He fell to his knees.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had been right since the beginning. He had had this suspicion, since the first day, and he had immediately dismissed it, thought that it was the fabrication of his own exhausted and troubled mind. But he had been right. In his gut, he had been right. 

Everything made sense, now. Why they were stuck here. Why he had trouble recalling the events after their time spent in the basement. It had never happened. It was bullshit his mind had came up with to convince him he was still alive. They had died down there, in the basement. Choking, suffocating. 

He was dead, he was dead and stuck in this god forsaken demonic haunted house. 

He pinched his eyes shut and tried to steady his breathing. « There was never a demon in this house. » He whispered. « We’ve been alone this whole time. »

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up. Shane was looking at him, eyes wide. He squeezed Ryan’s shoulder again, and just like before it felt painful. 

« Ryan. Breathe, please, calm down. » His voice sounded hoarse, like he was having trouble speaking.

Ryan looked at him and wanted to cry. He had brought him into this. He wanted nothing more than to keep Shane safe from harm and he had been the one to actually bring it to him. He choked on a sob. 

« Oh my god. » He breathed out. « I killed you. »

Shane frowned at him and exhaled shakily. « What? »

Ryan could feel himself spiraling out of control, but he couldn’t be stopped. There was a storm in his chest, and his heart was hammering so fast he felt like his ribcage was going to burst open if he took another breath. 

He let out a pathetic whimper. « I… Fuck, I killed you, Shane! »

Shane shook his head, looking lost. « What are you talking about? »

« I did, I fucking did! It’s all my fucking fault, Unsolved, and you coming here, and, and— » He was shouting now. He wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to thrash around and throw a tantrum at fate, which had killed his best friend in such a fucking, maddening, unfair way.

Shane immediately knelt down next to him and grabbed him by the arms, shaking him lightly.

« Hey! Hey, calm down, man. » Their eyes met and Ryan immediately felt like he could breathe again. « None of this is your fault. Why would you even say that? »

He could feel his vision getting blurry through his tears. « I don’t— It’s just— » It felt like there was a bottomless pit opening in his stomach and it made him want to throw up.

Shane tightened his grip. « I agreed to be a part of this, I was the one to suggest we do a demon episode per season, fuck, I was the one who told you about this house in the first place! If you’re looking for someone to blame, it could just as well be me. »

Ryan looked down, shaking his head. He needed the blame. Needed to put it on him, or something, anything, because it was too infuriating otherwise. Things that cruel couldn’t happen on their own. They just couldn’t.

He collapsed against Shane’s chest.

« I don’t want this to happen. » He whispered between sobs. He could feel Shane’s hands cradling his face, wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

« Me neither, » Shane murmured, head buried in his friend’s hair. His own voice sounded strained, and Ryan realized he was crying too.

Surrounded by Shane’s warmth, his scent, the _feel_ of him, Ryan immediately felt grounded. He took a deep breath and focused on calming himself, steadying his breathing. He closed his eyes, tried to numb everything he was feeling, to think only of Shane’s touch. After a while, he held a hand up and settled it against his friend’s chest. He could feel his heart beating under the touch, fast but stable. 

_This is so goddamn unfair_ , he thought. That Shane could feel so real and tangible and _alive_ but no be, was unfair.

He realized that even though he was feeling much calmer, he was covering Shane’s shirt with tears, so he straightened up and released himself from his embrace. He hated that even now, Shane’s stupid shirt was making him annoyed. He snorted through his tears. Actually, he should have made the stain bigger, he thought.

Shane stared at him. « What? » he said, rubbing his eyes.

Ryan shook his head and sniffed. « I just really hate your shirt. »

Shane laughed, and it sounded heavenly to Ryan’s ears. He ran a hand through his hair. It was a complete mess, sticking up in every direction. Ryan wanted to tangle his hands in it. 

« Love your sense of priorities, Ry. » Shane said dryly. 

There was something completely surreal about being able to joke with each other, their faces completely covered with tears and snot, and closer to each other than they had probably ever been. Ryan couldn’t take his gaze off Shane’s face, and seeing him so vulnerable was making something twist in his belly.

His hand was still resting on Shane’s chest, and it felt almost natural to bring it up to cup the side of his face, to bring his friend comfort the same way that Ryan so often craved it. He gently stroked the skin between the neck and the jaw, and wished he could actually kiss it. If only grief could have made him braver.

After a few seconds, Shane seemed to relax. He sighed and let his hands fall at his sides. He laughed softly, shaking his head. « I want to sleep for a thousand years and never wake up from this fucking nightmare. » He sobbed and covered his mouth with his hand to stop himself, closing his eyes.

Ryan brought his other hand to Shane’s face, forcing him to look at him. His eyes were a little wide, but so fucking gentle. 

« Hey, » Ryan said, pursing his lips to refrain himself from losing his cool while he was holding his crying best friend, « I think that’s actually the best idea you’ve ever had. »

Shane chuckled bitterly, and let himself be pulled down in Ryan’s embrace, burying his face in the crook of his friend’s neck. He took a few deep breaths and Ryan could feel them on his skin, making him shudder. Shane’s hands were squeezing his sides and it felt electrifying.

The taller man finally let out one last sigh and straightened himself up, head still drooping down. « Okay, » he whispered, nodding slowly, « let’s do that. » 

He rubbed his nose and looked up at Ryan. There was a sad smile on his face but he still stood up slowly, disentangling himself from Ryan’s embrace, and he held out a hand to him to help him up. Ryan took it gladly, fingers shaking, and let himself be pulled up. Not letting go of his hand, Shane guided him to the bed and they both collapsed on it in a mess of limbs. 

Ryan didn’t even notice Shane pull the blankets over them both, but one minute he was only being covered by Shane’s body, and the next he felt a comforting warmth envelop them both, as the taller man settled against him, his nose nuzzling Ryan’s neck. The younger man closed his eyes.

Their newfound proximity should have made Ryan embarrassed or anxious, but right now he was feeling strangely calm, the kind of calmness that could only be felt after a good, cathartic cry. The kind of calmness unfortunately always mingled with melancholy and despair. He was also exhausted, and he knew that he would be asleep in a matter of minutes. He panicked for a bit, thinking this time maybe he would really never wake up, but then Shane slowly exhaled against his skin and he knew this wasn’t going to be the end for them. 

He still had so many things he needed to tell Shane.

Under the covers, he blindly reached for his friend’s hand and Shane immediately held onto his when they touched, intertwining their fingers together.

« I’m glad the last haunted house you made me sleep in at least has the most comfortable bed I’ve ever been in, » Shane said, and as he spoke against Ryan’s skin, it was as if he was laying dozens of small kisses there, and Ryan wanted to squeal.

« I’m sorry, » He said instead, and in that moment it seemed he would never stop saying it.

Shane sighed and stroked Ryan’s knuckles with his thumb. « Please, don’t be. None of this is your fault. » Ryan grunted in disagreement but Shane promptly shushed him. « Just go to sleep. »

Ryan only had a few moments to revel in how safe he felt, pressed flushed against Shane, before sleep overcame him.

 

He woke up alone again the next day, but as he took in his surroundings, eyelids still heavy from sleep, his eyes immediately fell on his friend, standing up before the window, expression weary.

Ryan allowed himself to marvel at the scene. The morning sunlight was making Shane look beautiful, his desperate expression and Ryan’s sorrow the only things tainting the moment a dark shade. 

Everything around them was silent, and Ryan could see the tiny specks of dust floating in the air around his friend. The scene looked strange and ethereal but it also smelled of domesticity, of waking up next to someone and letting them sleep, of shared morning routine and ‘good morning’ cuddles, and the younger man felt ache in his chest.

The moment was ruined once and for all when Shane turned to him, and Ryan realized he had never looked both so tired and unhappy.

« You’re awake. » the taller man quietly said.

Ryan sat up on the edge of the bed and silently nodded. Shane looked so fragile and worn out in the light. 

He turned to the window again « Hey, do you remember, that first day, when I asked you if we could go wait outside, in the sun? » 

Ryan barely remembered that. It felt like ages ago. He repressed a shiver, thinking about their first day in here, and his constant feeling of despair and helplessness that hadn’t left him since. He nodded again.

Shane pursed his lips and exhaled slowly. « I think I’d give anything for that. Feel the sun on my skin again. »

Ryan sighed. He wasn’t ready to feel so miserable this early in the morning. He wanted to be calm and quiet for the time being, for he knew they had a storm to face. 

« Come back to bed. » He pleaded.

« I don’t want to. »

« Why? »

Shane looked at him, painfully. « I don’t know. It feels like giving up. »

« You’re not thinking clearly. You need to rest. »

« Rest? » A strange laugh escaped Shane’s lips, one Ryan had never heard before. It sounded bitter and miserable, harsh in the quietness surrounding them. « That’s the last fucking thing I need. I feel restless, I want to do something, anything, but I don’t know what and I’m sick of it! »

Ryan knew this wasn’t right, knew Shane wasn’t really angry at him, but this all felt so unfair, he couldn’t help the accusing tone in which he spoke next. « I don’t know either, Shane! This is stressing me out just as much as you! »

Shane turned around and looked at him. « And there’s nothing you want to do about it? You’d rather do nothing all day and just complain about it all? »

« God, did you forget we’ve been here almost a week? There’s not a second where I haven’t been thinking about how to get the fuck out of here! » He shouted, and he realized how brutal he just had been when he saw his friends eyes, wide in shock.

So Shane retaliated, also shouting. « We haven’t tried everything! » 

« The door was open right in front of us, and we weren’t even able to fucking _walk_ to it! I think it’s pretty obvious that there’s nothing we can do. »

It was clear that they were avoiding the subject at hand, talking about their previous problem as if they hadn’t discovered the reason behind it just a few hours before. Ryan still couldn’t even think about it without bile rising up in his throat. 

They looked at one another just a second too long, and Ryan felt foolish again, being scrutinized by Shane. With his friend staring at him so intensely, he had the weaker hand, he knew it. 

« Okay, shouting isn’t gonna help, we both know that. » Shane said.

Ryan shook his head, looking down. « Shut up. »

« Aren’t you tired of saying this to me? »

« I’ll say it as long as you need to hear it. »

« At least you’re consistent. » the taller man noted, shrugging, resentment gone in his voice. 

« Oh my god, Shane. »

Silence fell over them as tension seemed to leave the room. Ryan was left feeling awkward and embarrassed, because Shane was right, partly. But he still needed time, time to process all of this, to think about it, shit, to fucking _accept_ it. 

« If I come back to bed, will it make you feel better? » Shane asked.

Ryan groaned in exasperation. « God, do you ever just… stop? » 

Shane laughed again, genuine this time, and Ryan wanted to cry. He looked up at the taller man, standing right before him, on the edge of the bed, the corner of his eyes still crinkling in that lovely way that Ryan liked so much. He was suddenly reminded of what had happened the day before. 

Holding each other, crying with each other, falling asleep tangled together. He wanted to do it all over again, if it meant being close to Shane. 

And suddenly he couldn’t bear it anymore. The anger, the animosity that had been piling up between them the last few days had to go away. He wanted tenderness, he wanted warmth, he wanted to show Shane just how much he needed him and cared about him. He felt it was the only way they would ever keep their sanity in here. They were together, and Ryan had never felt more grateful for anything else in his entire life. He wanted Shane for himself, and now was the time to show him.

At least that’s what he told himself as he found himself unable to keep his thoughts to himself.

« I love it when your eyes do that. » He blurted out, immediately feeling ashamed.

Shane frowned. « Do what? »

Ryan felt himself flush red. « This. You know, the… » He wrinkled his eyes for a second, stopping at his friend’s incredulous face.

« Oh. » The taller man finally said, looking thoughtful. « You mean this? » He smiled, eyes crinkling again. It was clearly faked, the smile too wide to be true. 

Nevertheless, Ryan’s breath hitched in his throat. « Yes, » he said, breathless.

Shane continued to smile, and, at last, he must have realized that new expression on his friend’s face, the one torn with wonder and devotion, and something painfully close to want, because he suddenly stopped, eyes dark.

« Ryan? »

« Yes? » The younger man almost didn’t recognize his own voice. It sounded desperate and adoring at the same time.

« Stop looking at me like that. »

‘Like what?’, Ryan wanted to say, but what came out instead was « I can’t. »

Shane bit his lower lip, looking away. His hand slowly came to rest on Ryan’s shoulder, who felt goosebumps cover his skin at the touch.

The taller man took a long, shuddering, breath, and whispered « Then forgive me for what I’m about to do. »

He leaned down, still slowly, and as Ryan felt his friend’s hand move from his shoulder to rest on his cheek, their lips met, softly. 

It was over as soon as it had began, and Ryan felt Shane hesitate against him. The kiss had been tender but small, and Ryan was still unable to move, though he felt a wave of relief crashing in his chest.

Finally, he thought.

And just as Shane was about to withdraw, Ryan stood up and kissed him, grabbing his arm to keep him in place. ‘You’re not going.’ he wanted to say. ‘I want this just as much as you do.’

He felt Shane relax against him, and suddenly they were kissing each other, still shy and tentative. Soon, Shane’s hands found their way to Ryan’s hair, and Ryan was holding Shane close by the waist, and fuck. This was all Ryan had ever wanted.

After a few seconds, Shane sighed against his lips and chuckled. « So we’ve both been idiots this entire time, huh? » he whispered, thumb caressing Ryan’s jaw.

Ryan tightened his hold of Shane’s waist, bringing him even closer. « You could have made your move sooner, you dick. Now kiss me again. »

Shane laughed and did so, again, and again, and again, until Ryan found he was bold enough to murmur against Shane’s skin « Now, I’m going to get you into bed and out of this stupid T-shirt. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhhh, there's still one chapter left. I hope i'll be able to post it soon
> 
> i hope you liked it, and again i'm so so so sorry for the delay, i'm gonna try and do better for the next one!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so, here it is. the last chapter to this dreadful fic that i thankfully will never have to look at anymore after this!
> 
> small disclaimer, I have absolutely no idea if this is good or not. I hadn't been writing for a pretty long time when i started working on this chapter and my english felt so stiff and off :/ so, sorry for that. you know that moment when you're reading a fic and you come upon a word that you just forgot existed and you're like shit i should use that?? That was me all along this chapter.
> 
> anyway. still hope you enjoy.

As he awoke the next day, Shane felt peaceful for the first time in days. He felt a pleasant weight pressing down on his chest, and as he reached for it blindly, he found Ryan’s arm, his wrist, his hands, the tips of his fingers. He slowly opened his eyes to find his friend’s face merely inches away from his, breathing softly, still sleeping. Shane smiled helplessly.

The previous day had been wonderful. Shane had been wanting Ryan forever. Even if this house had inevitably pushed things between them, Shane had wanted him for far longer, if he was being honest with himself. Now, waking up in bed next to him felt quite bittersweet. For if he had an eternity to spend with Ryan, in his arms, it would be an eternity spent in here, in the house where they had met their demise. Shane still shuddered just thinking about it.

Never had he felt such happiness and despair so closely intertwined. It had been his shock, his sadness that had brought him even closer to Ryan than ever before, that had entailed such an intense need of comfort from both of them and, ultimately, them falling in each other’s arms. 

Shane was so fucking thankful they were in here together, but he also felt longing for the world out there. The world they had known, the one they had lived in. He was scared for Ryan, who had never been one for staying locked inside. Ryan who loved being outside, loved the sunshine, loved the nature, the sea, the mountains. Would Shane’s presence be enough to make him happy in here? Shane didn’t think he wanted to know the answer, though he felt like he already did. It was bound to drive him mad, he thought.

Next to him, Ryan made a soft noise in his sleep.

Gazing at Ryan's sleeping face, he chose he had other things to focus on, for now. He gently raised his hand to Ryan’s forehead, slowly caressing the soft skin along his eyebrows.

He felt Ryan shift against him, and the younger man slowly opened his eyes, meeting Shane’s gaze, expression foggy with sleep.

« You again. » He whispered, coyly smiling. 

Shane chuckled. « Disappointed? »

« Not at all. » Ryan said, stirring in bed and grinning up at Shane.

They held each other’s gazes, both still dazed with sleep. Shane was the first to reach out to him, gently seizing Ryan’s hand under the covers. « How are you? » 

« Good. Really good. » Ryan answered, eyes twinkling. « You? »

« Also quite good. »

They laughed, leaning towards one another.

« Come here, big guy. » Ryan whispered, already closing the distance between him and Shane, pressing the sweetest kiss at the corner of his mouth.

Shane closed his eyes, and as he felt Ryan withdraw, he kissed him back, on the lips this time. He didn’t want to be shy about Ryan anymore. He liked the guy and he was going to show him, _godammit_. 

Ryan made a soft noise against his mouth, but kissed him back softly. 

They pulled apart, unable to tear their eyes from one another, hands still touching under the covers. Ryan’s face was very distracting, but Shane could feel the smaller man stroking the skin on the inside of his wrist, where his pulse was probably speeding up. His mouth suddenly felt very dry.

Settling back against the pillows, Ryan bit his lower lip, expression so open and tender Shane wanted to smother him in kisses again. « You know, I’m really glad that we got our act together, yesterday. »

Shane snorted. « Yeah, somehow the fastness of it all kinda gave it away. »

« You’re going to be insufferable about it, aren’t you? »

Shane fell back against the pillows, laughing. « As I am about most things. » Ryan rolled his eyes at him.

As his laughter died down, he shifted closer to Ryan, extending an arm so that he was able to touch the wild strands of hair sticking up the younger man’s head.

He felt a wave of protectiveness wash over him. He was so fucking _happy_ right now, enclosed in their shared little bubble of tenderness, he didn’t want to think about any of the things surrounding them, of their misadventures from the previous days, of their horrifying end, of everything they had unwillingly left behind for this.

He wanted to think only of Ryan, of him with Ryan. He wanted to drown in this moment. 

« You know, I was worried sick about you. » He confessed, voice low.

Ryan snorted. « You have a funny way of showing it. »

Shane winced. « I know. I’m sorry. » He genuinely was. He didn’t feel like apologizing would ever be enough.

Ryan sighed. « Nah, it’s alright. I could tell you were trying. »

« Well. Thanks. »

« No. Thank you. »

They held each other’s gaze for a moment. Ryan’s eyes were searching, curious, and Shane knew that all kind of questions were probably bouncing around in his mind, threatening to spill from his mouth at any moment. It didn’t take long before he was proven right.

« Did you… The other day, what happened in the basement, after I left? » Ryan asked, eyebrows knitted together.

Shane hadn’t expected that. « Uhhh… Nothing, really. » He said, looking away. After everything that had happened, he didn’t feel comfortable talking about it at all. He knew what had happened to him a few days ago was undoubtedly linked to their deaths, and that was reason enough to avoid the subject.

But Ryan was nothing if not stubborn. « Shane. I could tell you were rattled. »

« Nothing gets past you, huh? » He ran a hand through his hair and let it fall limply on the covers. « It’s just gonna freak you out. »

« Why? »

Shane sighed in annoyance. « It’s just… I don’t know. Yes, it was creepy. I almost fainted, I think. Or quite possibly died again. »

« What?! » Ryan shrieked, sitting up.

« I don’t know, okay? It was weird. »

Ryan paused for a few beats, eyeing him suspiciously. « Why didn’t you tell me? »

« Ryan. It would only have made things worse. »

« You don’t know that. »

« No, really. You would have been even more scared to be here. » He pointedly stared at the ceiling, ignoring Ryan’s fussing next to him. « But I guess… I also didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to admit that you were right. »

Ryan gasped, genuinely. « Oh really? That’s how it is? »

Shane rolled in the bed so that he was facing him. « Yeah, well it’s my turn to ask you something now. »

The younger man seemed like he wasn’t done asking questions but let it go. Shane would need to thank him later for that. « Go ahead. »

« The other day, did you really, honestly, think you had been alone in here the whole time? »

Ryan’s brow furrowed, looking thoughtful. « I don’t know. Yes, I think. I wasn’t thinking straight, and this place wasn’t helping. » His eyes went distant. « Or I thought… I don’t know. That you had left me. God knows how. »

Shit. That hurt. « That’s. I don’t know how to feel about that. Is your opinion of me so low? »

Ryan’s eyes went wide. « I… No! I’m sorry, I hadn’t thought of it this way… » He cleared his throat. « It’s just… I thought you might be furious at me. I know I haven’t been easy, and we’ve never been just the two of us for such a long period of time, so… I’ve been stupid. »

Shane nodded slowly. « Yeah, you have. »

The younger man gently put his hand on Shane’s forearm, letting it rest here in silent comfort. « You know I think the world of you. »

Shane felt the knot in his throat tighten. « Oh. Well, that’s very nice. »

« Shane. »

« I… » He swallowed. « Thank you. » He licked his lips, and he noticed Ryan tracing the movement with his eyes. Shane felt want pool in his stomach, wanting that passion from the day before back. He knew he was being impatient, but he probably wasn’t the only one.

« So… We’re in for an eternity in here together, right? » He asked, feigning nonchalance.

Ryan shrugged. « I guess. »

« Let’s make the best of it, then. » Shane breathed out, moving closer to Ryan.

« Oh my god, you’re so— »

Shane shut him up by claiming his lips, kissing him ardently and holding him close by the waist. Ryan immediately kissed him back, chasing after his lips and sighing against his mouth.

Shane felt intoxicated with Ryan’s warmth, his scent, the feel of his body against his. He felt as if none of it would never be enough, he would always try to get closer, would always feel yearn for Ryan, to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. He had so much time wasted to make up for. All this time spent arguing, when they could have been doing this instead. Thinking about it, Shane groaned in frustration, pulling Ryan closer.

They broke apart and their eyes met. Shane had never felt so grateful to see the same desire, the same want he was feeling reflected in his partner’s eyes. 

Shane was about to kiss him again, when something caught his attention, out of the corner of his eye. Outside their room, in the hallway, where the door to their room hadn’t been properly closed, Shane could see a strange shadow spreading on the floor, soon accompanied by a strange noise. He shouldn’t even have noticed it, but this was different. 

During their time spent in here, he had grown accustomed to the noises the house made, the walls shifting, the beams on the ceiling creaking. The so-called ‘ghosts whispers’ or other nonsense Ryan liked to call them didn’t have any secrets anymore for Shane. 

This was something else. Something new. 

He felt Ryan freeze still under him. The shadow was getting bigger.

« What the fuck was that? » Ryan hissed.

« I don’t— »

Another noise occurred, making them both flinch despite how low it was. Shane realized, alarmingly, it sounded a lot like the floorboards creaking. Like someone stepping on it, carefully.

« Is there, is there somebody out there? » He yelled out, his heart hammering against his chest.

His thoughts drifted back to the basement. What if something had truly been living down there? What if that something was now taking revenge on them, for setting camp up here? _I sound insane_ , Shane thought. _I sound like Ryan._ He almost laughed, but the fear coiling in the pit of his stomach silenced him.

He felt Ryan’s hand grab his own. « Oh my god, Shane, what— »

The door swung open, and they both jumped up, sitting in bed clutched against each other.

Shane almost screamed. 

He had been waiting for a terrifying creature to stand before them, dark and distorted and utterly horrific. What he had not expected was the sight of the most beautiful being in had ever seen.

Before them stood a woman, basking in white light that seemed to emanate from her own body, contrasting with her dark skin. Her long hair was flowing around her, much like the long white dress she was wearing, the fabric shimmering unlike anything Shane had ever seen. There was a glow to her skin, making her look diaphanous, like she didn’t belong to this world. _Maybe she doesn’t._ , his brain supplied for him.

She took one look at them and smiled, looking amused. « Hello, Ryan and Shane. » The voice sounded so heavenly Shane felt ache in his heart.

The two men both stayed frozen in place before her. Under his touch, Shane felt Ryan shiver.

Approaching them, the woman seemed to understand what had just been happening before she arrived. « Am I interrupting something? »

Unable to speak, Shane opened his mouth but no sound came out of it. Ryan stuttered next to him, apparently as fascinated by the woman as Shane was.

She frowned, looking worried. « Are you guys okay? I’m really sorry, I was supposed to come get you a long time ago, but work kept piling up, and I figured you guys would be fine, since you were together. »

Next to him, Ryan let out a surprised little yelp and moved closer to Shane, gripping his arm. 

« I’m sorry. You were supposed to come get us? » He inquired, his hold tightening around Shane’s arm.

« Yes. »

« To go where? » Shane asked, in newfound bravery.

« To the afterlife, of course. » The woman answered, spreading her arms, as if what she had just told them the most evident thing in the world.

Ryan and Shane looked at each other, and Ryan’s shocked expression would have been really funny if Shane hadn’t been absolutely sure he was currently rocking the exact same one.

They both turned to the woman again.

« Um. What? » Shane asked, at a loss for words.

« The atferlife. You know, the place you go after you die. Unless you guys wanna stay here? I’d understand if you’ve grown to love the place. »

The strangeness of the situation should have made Shane weary, but such calm and serenity seemed to emanate from the woman that he felt there was nothing he could do but trust her, as if doubting her words would be the most misplaced thing he could ever do. Slowly, he felt a quiet calmness wash over him. One minute he was feeling puzzled, shocked even, and the next he felt he could have welcomed any disconcerting news with tranquility and acceptance.

Next to him, he felt Ryan relax as well, as tension evaporated out of the room. 

« But… Who are you? » The smaller man asked, with nothing but wonder and admiration.

The woman seemed to think for a bit, her index finger coming to rest on her lower lip. « I think you guys and your kind often refer to beings like me as angels? » She said, then raised her arms, as if to say ‘Who knows?’.

Drinking her words, Shane nodded absently, completely in awe of her. Her ethereal appearance, the constant joyful expression of her face, the way she graciously moved around the room made him completely forget all about his sorrows. If she was supposed to take them, let her take them. 

Suddenly, Ryan sprang out of bed. « Let’s get the fuck out of here. » He was still in his underwear, and immediately seemed to recoil in embarrassment when he realized he didn’t have the covers on the bed anymore to hide his partial nudity in front of what seemed to be a _fucking angel_.

« You’re really going to get us out of here? » Shane asked, throwing a shirt Ryan’s way. 

She nodded. « Of course. It’s my job. Once again, I apologize for the delay. I sincerely thought you guys would be fine for a few days. I assume you have been? »

Shane and Ryan shared a look. Clearly, they hadn’t been. But the promise that it would soon be behind them was too tempting to argue around it. 

« Shane, come on, let’s go! » Ryan said, clutching Shane’s arm and pulling him towards him, out of bed.

The angel’s smile widened. « I’m glad to see you so happy! Is there one last place you want to go to before heading to the afterlife? » She paused, looking pensive. « Your grandmother’s home, perhaps? »

Shane thought of the house his grandma had lived in, years before her death, covered in dust and cobwebs, smelling of rotting wood and humidity. He grimaced. He could think of better places. « Uh, no thank you. » 

« I merely ask because it’s the place most often requested. » The angel smiled at them, and Shane found he couldn’t look away from her, joy radiating off of her. « What about you, Ryan? » She asked, and Ryan startled as she said his name in such a gentle manner.

« I’m good. » He whispered. As he spoke, he immediately turned to Shane, eyes going wide. « Which National Park did you say was your favorite? »

Shane felt gratitude flood his chest. He smiled at Ryan, remembering their conversation from a few days ago. So much had happened since then, he had almost forgotten it. « I never did. But the Rim Rock Forest is beautiful this time of year. »

« Let’s go there! » Ryan exclaimed.

« Really? »

« Yes! »

Shane thought it over for a second. It seemed unfair that he would be able to go where he wanted but Ryan couldn’t. « Don’t you want to go to Knott’s Berry Farm? » 

Ryan shrugged. « Not really. I think that some grand scenery is exactly what I need after being cooped up in here for days. » He smiled at the angel and Shane thought that his smile could actually rival hers. Surpass it, maybe. God, it was pathetic how head over heels he was for Ryan. 

She clapped her hands. « The Rim Rock Forest. Great! Haven’t been there in quite a while. Let’s go, guys! »

Shane got out of the bed. « Are we going by plane, or— »

All at once, he felt his grasp on anything tangible dissolve around him. His vision became blurry, his eyes unable to latch on anything, objects melting into their backgrounds, themselves vanishing into nothingness.

In a swirl of colors and sensations, Shane felt himself transported elsewhere, like a gentler rollercoaster rider. When he was finally still again, he stumbled forward and hear the familiar scrunch of dried leaves under his feet.

« Oh. Guess not. » His voice sounded different. Less secluded, as if the sound wasn’t being reverberated against every hard surface around him, but was evaporating into thin air.

He looked around and felt the urge to pinch himself. 

They were surrounded by trees, bushes, leaves, flowers. Everything Shane had thought he would never seen again, everything he had _yearned_ to see again, was there in front of him. He could smell the dampness of the ground, the alluring scent of fresh grass, hear the birds singing, a stream run not far from them.

He took a step in the leaves, and _Jesus_ , just the feel of it, was enough to make him cry. He took a deep breath and felt a breeze gently caress his face. 

He felt overcome with glee. God, how he had missed this.

He looked at Ryan next to him and they both burst out laughing.

« Oh my god! » Ryan shouted, « I can’t believe we’re finally out of there! » Restless, he had began walking around, going from tree to tree, inspecting, touching, smelling everything. He turned back and grinned at Shane, who thought his heart was about to burst out from his chest.

Shane glanced at the angel, still next to them, looking at them fondly. « Thank you, » he said, feeling humbled. She merely smiled in return. 

« Okay, let’s take a walk. » he added to Ryan, noticing a pathway between the trees not far from them.

« Yeah, let’s go. »

As they walked through the forest, Shane felt a newfound peace settling in his heart. Ryan was advancing through the trees ahead of him, eager to see and to discover, and Shane felt content watching him explore the place Shane had loved visiting this forest ever since he was a kid. It was like disclosing a secret to Ryan, like allowing him to discover some of the deepest parts within him. It felt intimate in a way Shane had never experienced. 

« Wow. You were right, Shane. This place is amazing! » He said, looking up at a branch where a squirrel was pretending not to see them.

They spent a few minutes looking at it, Shane secretly wondering if it could see them. It somehow felt strange to feel life around them but still know that they were not partaking in it, merely observing it. When they stepped too close to the branch, the squirrel still left in a hurry.

Finally, they seemed to reach the highest point of the forest, and there, on top of a small cliff, they could admire a sea of trees and green.

« Oh my god. I love it here. » Ryan whispered, walking closer to the edge. 

Shane stayed behind. _This is the last time I’m seeing this place,_ he thought. _This is my last time being here on Earth, and I brought Ryan here. What the fuck._

He couldn’t help but still feel odd. Here they were, marveling at the beauty of nature they had not been able to see for days, laughing together, when they didn’t even know what awaited them. Despite the relief he was feeling, he couldn’t help the small anxious voice at the back of his head, overwhelmed with questions and wonderment. How could he be so sure everything would be okay when he didn’t even know what the future held for them?

« Are you okay? »

Shane hadn’t even noticed the angel getting closer to him. He met her eyes and once again, he felt safe under her gaze, as if she had just enveloped him in a halo of serenity. He nodded slowly. « I think. »

She laughed, and Shane felt a shiver run up his spine. It sounded like music. 

« Don’t worry, » she said. « Everything will be okay. I know the unknown scares your kind, but you have nothing to be afraid of from now on. »

« Really? » He pondered on her words, feeling unsatisfied. « What’s the afterlife like? »

« However you want it to be. »

His eyes fell on Ryan, a few feet from them, admiring the scenery. Shane felt his heartbeat stutter in his chest. « Are we going to be together? » He asked, voice trembling with hope.

She frowned at him, almost amused. « Of course. You two died together. Nobody could separate you, even if they tried. »

As beautifully morbid as this was, Shane couldn’t help but feel relieved. « So it’s the Ghoul Boys forever from now on? »

« Yes. Quite literally. »

Laughter spilled from Shane’s lips. He really shouldn’t have found this funny. He glanced at the angel and found her smiling at him fondly. She nudged her chin in Ryan’s direction, her eyes sparkling. « I’ll leave you two here for a little while. Just come back to me when you’re ready. »

Shane thanked her wordlessly, smiling shyly at her, and walked to where Ryan was standing.

When he heard him approaching, Ryan grinned up at him, blindingly beautiful. Shane weakly smiled back. He felt completely off, shaken up by the angel’s presence, her rescuing them and bringing them here. As if the last days hadn’t been absurd enough already. 

He sighed. He was feeling like ruining the moment again. It couldn’t possibly feel this good, he had to taint it, for fear something worse might come around and do it for them. « Aren’t you glad you finally got your proof that ghosts exist? » He asked, immediately regretting it.

Ryan grimaced. « I don’t think I’m ready to joke about it yet. » Ryan looked up at his friend, brow furrowed. « Oh, you’re serious. »

Shane shrugged. He was feeling immensely ridiculous. « Well. I know how important it was to you. »

Ryan’s eyes went wide. « Are you insane? Wait, don’t say anything, I know the answer to that one. »

« Sorry. » Shane answered, voice small. 

Silence fell over them for a few seconds. Ryan seemed deep in thought, but it wasn’t long before words were spilling out of him, like they might never stop. 

« I mean… It’s a weird feeling. We lost everything. I feel fucking dreadful because I’ll never see my friends again… I’ll never get to say goodbye to my parents, to Jake… » He sighed and looked up, meeting Shane’s eyes. « But at the same time, I feel so fucking giddy. It’s like I’m entering a new chapter of my life, you know. I mean… kinda. Does that, does that make any sense? » He looked so hopeful Shane wanted to cry. 

The taller man nodded. He would have been lying if he said he hadn’t been feeling the same. This odd mixture of regret and trepidation was making him feel really weird. It felt a lot like when he had left his home for college all these years back, knowing life would never be the same. But could what they were experiencing still be called life? 

« I think it does. » He answered, both to Ryan and to himself.

Timidly, Ryan took Shane’s hand in his own. « And also… » He hesitated before speaking again, flushing red. « You’ll be there, with me. Every step along the way. And I can’t wait for that. »

Shane suddenly felt overwhelmed with love for his friend. 

He needed to make it good. Make it good for Ryan, for them both, for what awaited them. He needed to make amends, let go of his regrets and grudges, to leave this place unburdened. There were so many things he had always wanted to say to his friends, to this parents, and now he would never be able to. But he still had Ryan, and he wanted him forever, earnestly and genuinely. For that he was ready to bare his heart to him, like he never had, to anybody. 

« I want to apologize. » He blurted out.

Ryan tilted his head at that, surprised. « For what? »

« I feel like I’ve been such a dick, back in the house. » Shane took a shaky breath. « I was too proud to admit that a part of me agreed with you and that I was freaking out too. I acted like such an asshole, and— and I think it took a toll on you. I could see you were really scared and I… I did almost nothing. »

« Shane. »

« What I mean is… I could have made it easier for you back there and I didn’t. And I’m so sorry for that. »

Ryan stayed silent for a few seconds. « You don’t… There’s no need to apologize. » He shook his head. « Nobody should have to go through that, but we did, and it was hard for both of us. For different reasons maybe, but I can’t blame you for just… trying to survive in a hostile environment. » 

« That’s no excuse. » Shane whispered.

« It is. And the important thing is you were there when I needed you the most. » Ryan looked up at his friend, expression fond. « To be honest, I’m so glad this happened. » 

Shane frowned at him, looking doubtful. « Are you sure? »

« Wha— Only the last part, of course! »

Shane chuckled heartily, bumping his and Ryan’s shoulder together. « I know. I’m just messing with ya. »

« You dick. » Grinning, Ryan turned back to the view in front of them, and took a deep breath. « Anyway, thank fuck for this. I was beginning to feel antsy back there. I mean, it was cozy and all— »

« The bed sure was comfortable. »

They shared a knowing smile, Shane unable to look away from the playful glint in Ryan’s eyes. « God, I’m gonna miss that bed. But still. That place was kinda small. »

« It was a four-bedroom! »

« There’s no way an entire family lived in there. » Ryan scoffed. « Did you see the bathroom upstairs? It looked like a fucking closet! »

Shane burst out laughing. Fuck, this felt good.

Glancing at Ryan, he suddenly couldn’t believe it. An eternity back in the Vendange house had already been enough for him, as long as he had been with Ryan. But here they were, out, free, together, and still as gleeful as they had never been with one another.

Shane had never felt so lucky. 

He looked down. Ryan was still gently holding his hand. Shane moved his and intertwined their fingers together. He still had one last thing he needed to tell Ryan. 

« I think… I think I love you. » He breathed out, heart in his throat.

« Oh. »

« You don’t have to say it back, I just— I needed to say it. »

Ryan paused, looking out at the wilderness spreading in front of them, mouth slightly open in disbelief. Shane thought he might combust.

But then, Ryan let out a small breath, as if offended, and stuttered around a sentence that seemed to have trouble getting out. « I thought… I thought it was obvious. Oh my god, Madej. » He looked up at his friend, eyes shining. « You big dork. I love you too. »

Chest filling with adoration, Shane suddenly felt words weren’t enough anymore, now that every secret he had kept holding on to for so long were out in the open. Ryan was still there, to be loved, to be adored and revered, and now that Shane was allowed to touch him, hold him and kiss him, with the knowledge that Ryan craved it just as much as he did, he couldn’t keep to himself anymore.

He took Ryan in his arms, holding him as close as he could against his chest, clutching the back of his head, his shoulders, his neck, everywhere he could get his hands on. Ryan let out a little yelp of surprise before returning the hug, enclosing Shane’s waist in his arms.

« I can’t breathe, big buy, » he said, giggling against Shane’s shoulder.

« I don’t care. Suffer in silence for me, please. » Shane answered, leaving a kiss on top of Ryan’s head.

Ryan laughed again, letting out a puff of hair against Shane’s collarbone that made him shudder.

Shane wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to kiss him all over, kiss his lips, his nose, his eyelids. But for now, he reveled in the perfect embrace in which they found themselves, for they had an eternity before them.

I’m loved, he thought. I’m loved, and I love, and it’s _him_.

As he held Ryan in his arms, he felt a ray of sunshine caress his neck, warming up his skin. He felt content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much for reading!!!


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